Bird Jokes


I was looking for bird jokes (work related) and came across this site with a collection of submited jokes. Some of them were good (or bad) enough to make me just have to share them. Below are three jokes that I retell (and tell better, in my opinion), but with the contributor to that particular site acknowledged.

——–

A young stork wondered where his parents went to all day. They told him that a stork’s job is to deliver babies to expectant parents, and that was what they did all day.

The next night, the young stork came home very late and his parents were very mad at him. “Do you know what time it is? Where have you been?!” they demanded.

“Oh sorry,” he replied. “I was just visiting the local college, scaring the co-eds out of their wits.” 

(from Tadas Birutis, 2/4/1999)

——–

A man walked into a bar with a tin box and a duck. He put the box on the bar and put the duck into it. The duck then started to dance, shifting from foot to foot. This attracted the attention of visitors, who ordered drinks and laughed at the cheerful duck.

The bartender noticed his improved business and said to the man: “Hey buddy, I’ll pay you $500 for your dancing duck.”

“No way!” replied the man. But the bartender was determined to get that duck, and finally the man agreed to $1000 for the duck. The bartender paid the money, and the man threw in the tin box for free.

As the man was leaving, the pleased bartender yelled: “Hey, just one thing. How do I get the duck to stop dancing?” The man called back as he left:

“Oh, that’s easy. Just blow out the candle that’s under the tin box.” 

(from Joe Small, 7/4/1999)

——–

Deep in the forest, a little baby turtle was slowly climbing up a tall tree. When he reached the top, he crawled out onto a branch and jumped off. The baby turtle fell like a stone and crashed into the ground.

After a while, he picked himself up, climbed up the tree and crawled out onto a branch. Then he jumped off, fell and crashed into the ground.

Two birds sitting in a nearby tree watched as the baby turtle kept on repeating this. Finally, one of the birds turned to the other and said:

“Dear, maybe it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”   

(from Cybercheeze (via Dave Diehl), 7/8/1999)

——–

A man had just purchased his first pet parakeet, but it wouldn’t talk. So he went to get advice the owner of the pet shop where he got the parakeet.

“Just get a nice bell. Parakeets like bells, he’ll play with the bell and be happy and talk,” said the pet shop owner. The man did that, but a few days later he came into the pet shop again after getting no results.

“Buy him this little ladder, he’ll climb up and down and be happy and start talking,” said the pet shop owner. The man did this, but a few days later he came back again after that had failed.

“Okay, tell you what. Buy this mirror for your parakeet. He’ll think that he’s seeing another bird and will be sure to talk.” The man thanked the pet shop owner, bought the mirror and went home.

After a week, the man came into the pet shop again, this time looking to buy a turtle. The pet shop owner asked him: “So, how’s your parakeet?”

“Oh, he died,” replied the man. “But he did say one word before he passed away.”

“Oh, how sad! What did he say?”

“FOOOOOOOOOOD!” 

(from Randy Adams, 3/16/2001)

——–

A man was on board a passenger plane, seated next to a parrot. When the flight attendant came, he ordered a can of soda.

Suddenly the parrot shouted at the flight attendant: “Hey you bimbo, get me a beer now!” Stunned, the girl went off and quickly came back with a can of beer for the parrot, forgetting all about the man’s order.

A while later, the man decided to try and order a soda again. As he was telling the flight attendant what he wanted, the parrot loudly interrupted: “Hey you blonde airhead, hurry up and bring me a vodka!” The flustered flight attendant rushed to get the parrot’s drink and the man didn’t get his soda again.

After another few minutes, the man decided to copy what the parrot did in order to get a drink. He called the flight attendant over and yelled: “Hey you stupid woman, get me a soda right now!” At this, the flight attendant burst into tears and left quickly.

A moment later, the co-pilot and an air marshall appeared. Together they grabbed both the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane! As the two of them were falling thousands of feet through the sky, the parrot turned to the man and said:

“I gotta hand it to you. For a guy who can’t fly, you’re pretty brave.” 

(not from that site)

——–

And of course, the classic poem…

Little birdie in the sky
Drop a present from up high
Take a tissue, wipe my eye
Thank God that cows cannot fly! 🙂


16 Responses to “Bird Jokes”

  1. Bird jokes | We have all the Funny Things, Jokes and likes here! Says:

    […] Bird Jokes « BUUUUURRRRNING HOT […]

  2. Spurwing Plover Says:

    Q. What dose a 300 lbs Parakeet say? A.Here kitty,kitty,kitty Q.Where dose a 500 lbs Robin Sleep? A. Anywhere he wants Q.Who do birds marry? A. Their tweethearts Q.What dose a 800 lbs parrot say? A.Anything he wants Q.Where do vultures go to retire? A. At a condor-minium

  3. Flu-Bird Says:

    Q.How do birds dance? A. Beak to beak

  4. Cliff Yett Says:

    I dont usually reply to posts but I will in this case. WoW

  5. Rehabilitation Morganville, NJ Says:

    What a radical opinion. I agree with you but need to think through what you are saying before reformulating my own thinking.

  6. Simon Thong Says:

    What does a bird get when it’s sick? Tweetment.

  7. Simon Thong Says:

    What makes a bowl of soup sweet? Ten sparrows.

  8. Ron Says:

    A lonely priest decided to get a parrot for a pet. He envisioned teaching the parrot to say the Lords Prayer or the rosary. The local pet store had a parrot but the owner warned that the parrot only says ” Hi, I’m Mary Magdeline & I’m a prostitute”. The priest says, “This is no problem, I’ll teach the parrot new words.

    After trying and trying to no avail, the Priest runs into another priest who had two parrots which not only recite the rosary, but also hold the rosary beads. The priest with two parrots also tried to help the parrot say something other than “Hi, I’m Mary Magdeline and I’m a prostitute” but had no luck.

    They decided to put the one parrot in the cage with the two parrots so that the two could teach the one to recite the rosary. After putting the parrot in the cage, as expected, it said “Hi, I’m Mary Magdeline, and I’m a prostitute”.

    The two parrots still holding the rosary beads, smiled and looked to the heavens and said “Alleluia, our prayers have been answered!”

  9. Simon Thong Says:

    fanciful but anything to push your lonely atheistic agenda

  10. Simon Thong Says:

    It would be more appropriate to push your atheistic agenda in other parts of the blog, wouldn’t it, Ron? This place, after all, is for Bird Jokes.

  11. Scott Thong Says:

    I know this one lol!

  12. Simon Thong Says:

    What’s the difference between a bird dog and a bird-dog? The former is a dog used to hunt or retreve birds. The latter is a bird that thinks it’s a dog, or a dog that thinks it’s a bird.

  13. Simon Thong Says:

    correction: read “retrieve”

  14. Simon Thong Says:

    What did one bird say to another on his birthday? Happy Birdday!

  15. SPURWING PLOVER Says:

    Q.What do you get when you cross a pigeon witha woodpecker? A. A bird that delivers the message and knocks on the door when it gets there

  16. POINTED JOKES (jokes I like) | simonthongwh Says:

    […] Bird Jokes « BUUUUURRRRNING HOT 16 Jan 2007 … Bird Jokes. By Scott Thong. I was looking for bird jokes (work related) and came across this site with a collection of submited jokes. … scottthong.wordpress.com/2007/01/16/bird-jokes/ – Cached – Similar […]

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