Conservatives have long had their hardcore he-man Chuck Norris Facts.
Now worshippers of the Liberal Obamessiah can rejoice, for they have their own limp-wristed, socialist pandering, world-kumbayaing Barack Obama facts:
Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week’s lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.
Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person’s cup fills up with nickels.
Every time Obama talks about “hope,” coma patients regain consciousness and chant “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
Obama is 50% typical White person.
Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.
When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.
Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.
Obama’s wife is a Klingon.
Obama’s children are named Child 1 and Child 2 respectively.
Our universe is held together by the force of Michelle Obama’s benevolent willpower, but her patience is running thin.
Michelle Obama has saved humanity from destruction many times and is slightly annoyed that we haven’t returned the favor.
Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.
More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.
US Mail Service published Obama’s resume on a new first class stamp.
Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.
When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.
Obama’s love for the downtrodden heats up the planet’s atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That’s why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.
The main point of Al Gore’s book “Earth in the Balance” is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.
Obama visited Benjamin Franklin in a dream and told him how to live his life serving the community, but all that Franklin could remember was, how to fly a kite.
Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words “hope” and “change” increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.
Any sentence containing the name “Obama” and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as “Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?”
Obama’s cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.
The “smoke” that comes out of Obama’s mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.
Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann’s show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.
When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.
Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.
In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.
An unkind word about Obama’s family serves as a passkey to the hottest rings of Hell.
When Obama smiles, somewhere in America a door opens to an abortion clinic.
When Obama claps his hands, a child is born in a Third World country.
When Obama stomps his foot, a sweatshop closes in Asia, with thousands of children in the streets demanding that the United States send them financial aid, food, and medicine.
When the people learn to vote themselves money from the public trough, Obama will appear.
It takes a wise man to use own words, but an even wiser man to use words spoken by others. And then there’s Obama.
Obama’s message of hope: when you reach rock bottom, start digging.
In second grade Obama developed a concrete plan to save the children. When George W. Bush heard about it, he killed the children and exiled Obama’s family to Hawaii because Bush hated the children.
George W. Bush deliberately added “Hussein” to Obama’s name on all official records, hoping that it would traumatize young Obama psychologically and stigmatize him for life.
When Obama gained control of the Good Forces of the Universe, George W. Bush locked him in a tower with an iron mask over his head to prevent a telepathic contact with the Force. But Bill Ayers received the signal, blew up Bush’s tower and liberated Obama.
Obama statues decorate all progressive capitals of the world. George W. Bush became jealous and stole one such statue, hoping to melt it and use the metal to make world’s strongest cannon to kill women and children. But Obama’s statue destroyed the furnace and made its way to freedom. Nobody knows where it is now, but the rumor is that it is fighting for the rights of the downtrodden all over the planet. Al Qaeda wants to capture the statue and turn it into an indestructible suicide bomber. If they ever succeed, it will be George W. Bush’s fault.
Bush can’t destroy the original Constitution because Obama’s handwriting is indestructible. That’s why Bush is hiding it in a lead container at the bottom of the Potomac River. If you find and open the container, all power in the land will at once return to the downtrodden.
When Obama buys caviar he always tries to get the one that is runny and tastes fishy, because that’s the kind of caviar that the downtrodden eat.
Jesus saw Obama on a tortilla
When Moses parted the sea, Obama was already on the other side
Obama cast the first, and only, stone
Jesus walked on Obama, Obama was swimming
Obama was using Jonah for fish bait
Obama dropped knowledge on the apple tree
And on the 8th day Obama finished the job
Obama was Solomon’s teacher
Obama was Chuck Norris’ sensei
Obama’s footprint was on the dirt Jesus spat onto
Obama supplied the baskets and vases for the sermon on the mount
Obama IS his brother’s keeper
Obama can bear his cross (related: The Obamessiah)