So the other day I was invited over to tea with my good friend, Adolf Hitler.
Yes, that Adolf Hitler. You know, the guy who started World War II and gassed a few million Jews.
Yeah, the world thought he was dead. But he actually shot a body double and left the corpse for the Allies to find. Suckers!
So, since everyone thought he had already gotten his just desserts, he was never brought to trial for his crimes. He likes to tell me that he’s “Guilty as sin, free as a bird”. That’s obviously code for “I am really very sorry and completely reformed”.
But anyway, those days are long past. He’s totally repented now. In fact, he’s giving back to society by lecturing impressionable youths (with me as Chairman of the board!) on such innocent, professionally-useful topics as Aryan Supremacy and Zyklon-B Manufacture.
I should know – Adolf helped me get my first real job, working side by side with him in the same office on the Chicago NeoNazi Challenge. Later, when I moved into politics, I cited this job as my qualification to be Senator.
Some of those who know Adolf say he hasn’t been rehabilitated… But why would they think that? I mean, all Adolf does these days is talk about how he had no regrets and ‘didn’t do enough’ back in his heyday, and pose for photos stepping on the American flag (and though you can’t see it, there’s also a small picture of Anne Frank under his left boot). That’s sheer repentance right there!
Anyway, as I was saying… I totally did not know that Adolf used to be a war criminal who killed millions. Who keeps track of this unimportant stuff anyway? Not me… I was too busy writing a glowing review of a book written by this man whom I do not know and never knew.
Besides, I was only eight years old… I mean, uh, I was not even born when he did those acts. That means there is absolutely no problem with my associating with Adolf all those years after he stopped committing genocide.
And to those who insinuate that my political career was launched during a party in Eva Braun’s living room… Utter lies! There were many events I attended during that period, Eva’s living room party being only one of them, and my political career could have been launched during any one of them. That’s much less incriminating.
But hey, don’t judge me as guilty by association. Just because I personally know, and worked with, and was friends with, and reviewed the book of, and had my political career launched by Former Nazi Leader Adolf Hitler… Why should that reflect badly on my values and personal integrity?
And if you do raise this issue, you are a racist.