(WARNING: Some may be a bit crude for more delicate sensibilities, but these are already the less explicit ones!)
Dick Cheney’s only weakness is love.
Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies
When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them “you’re mine now”.
Bathes every night in the warm, viscous plasma of freshly killed Iraqi insurgents to keep his skin soft.
Ted Kennedy is afraid to drive with him.
After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.
It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.
Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dick Cheney actually has the bleeding heart of a liberal…He keeps it in a jar under his desk.
For the past 32 years during his family’s Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving .
Cheney will solve the deficit problem in due time because he, and only he, knows how to divide by zero. In the meantime, he just enjoys watching everybody sweat.
Cheney once killed and ate a congressman in front of a visiting troop of girl scouts, as part of his demonstration of “how a bill becomes law.”
Above via AoSHQ.
Dick Cheney periodically goads Germany to invade Poland to prevent Europe from “going all sissy”.
Ants have the proportional strength of Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney won the first season of Survivor by eating the other contestants and camera crew. CBS is too scared to air the footage.
Dick Cheney killed the dinosaurs. One at a time.
Cheney killed the dinosaurs, because that’s how you make oil.
In a bow to conservationists, Dick Cheney converted his SUV. It now runs on orphans. And puppies. And orphan puppies. Also, it gets 1 mpg city, 3 freeway. And he never leaves the city.
When Dick Cheney has a heart attack, no one in DC dies for the next 24 hours. Death is back home in the ninth ward p*ssing himself.
Can Dick Cheney create a rock too big for Dick Cheney to push? Yes. Yes, he can. Punk.
Death didn’t take a holiday. Dick Cheney had him shipped off to a secret prison in Bulgaria and had him waterboarded.
Cheney refuses to wait for his heart to attack him . . . has spent years planning a pre-emptive strike.
Dick Cheney was once kicked out of a theater for interrupting the movie “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.” He kept shouting “you f*cking amateur!” at the screen and throwing popcorn.
Most people don’t know Cheney has a soft side. One time he executed a waiter at a resturant with a steak knife (the waiter was late coming with Dick’s steak sauce). Saddened by what he had done, Cheney wept openly for a full minute. Then he cut out the waiter’s heart and ate it, tears running down his cheeks.
Dick Cheney once killed a man with a paper clip. It took him three years, but eventually the man succumed to his wounds. He’s patient and evil, like a crocodile armed with a paper clip.
To this day, John Edwards often wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified that the last thing he’s going to hear before he dies is the words “Let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much.” (Remark by iamfelix: I love that one – I was in the car when I heard Cheey say it originally, and my blood froze … and I’m a big fan of his! We NEED politicians who do not suffer fools gladly.)
Toughest part of George Bush’s job – convincing Cheney to give better justification in meetings with foreign dignitaries than “Because that’s just the f*ckin’ way I want it.”
Insisted as child that he be called Dick instead of Richard just so the class bullies would pick on him.
When it snows in Washington, Dick Cheney doesn’t put chains on his tires, but instead uses hippies.
When Dick Cheney shaves in the morning he has to hold a loaded .44 to his head to keep from cutting his own throat.
At one point, Cheney considered diversifying his oil interests. He abandoned the idea after learning that baby oil wasn’t actually made from babies.
Dick Cheney’s surgeries don’t require bandages, because Dick Cheney doesn’t have time to bleed.
Dick Cheney has single-handedly set back the civil rights movement 30 years. And in a recent speech he said, “We can do better.'”
Dick Cheney has repeatedly pressed for Congressional resolutions banning torture, because it’s not as fun if it’s legal.
Dick Cheney’s shadow has a pH of 0.01.
John Bolton used to be a transnational progressive, until one day Dick Cheney sneered at him and said, “Grow a mustache, man!”
Dick Cheney eats yellowcake and craps thermobaric warheads. He is technically banned by the Geneva Convention, but nobody has the b*lls to say so out loud.
Dick Cheney used to write childrens’ stories under the pen name “H.P. Lovecraft.”
Dick Cheney survived that South American flight that crash-landed in the Andes, where the survivors had to resort to cannibalism to live. Although Dick Cheney was praised by the other survivors for his courage, he was also strongly criticized, as he had eaten “all the tasty-looking passengers” during the plane’s pre-flight checklist.
Q: Does Dick Cheney’s stool contain chunks of John Edwards?
A: Dick Cheney does not sh*t. He has a special internal organ that converts debate opponents directly to cholesterol.
Einstein theorized that nothing could go faster than the speed of light, which was constant. However, scientists have recently learned that light travels even faster … when it’s running from Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney has been reading these threads and he is greatly pleased…but not with everyone.
Dick Cheney invented the sport of kitten-stapling, including both the height and span categories.
At some resort in the Poconos, Dick Cheney once announced that “no one puts Baby in the corner!” He then had the whole resort leveled with a barrage of howitzer shells.
As an undergraduate, Dick Cheney’s lava lamp had real lava
Cheney is in a secure bunker in an undisclosed location. Not for his protection, but for ours.
Dick Cheney taught Joe Kubert how to draw. In gratitude Kubert created the Sergeant Rock comic book to record Dick Cheney’s secret wartime exploits. Same with Larry Elmore, who did much of the Dungeon Master’s Guide illustrations by basically copying from Dick Cheney’s photo album (and making Lynne’s demure outfits a bit more revealing.)
When Cheney sings the fat lady is transported back in time to the beginning.
When George Bush gets angry, he doesn’t get violent. When George Bush gets angry, Dick Cheney gets violent.
Its a little known fact that Scalia is the only man that Cheney fears. Luckily, Scalia and Cheney are now allies. In their infamous 2003 duck hunt, they bagged so many ducks that mother earth herself weeped for 3 weeks straight, leading to global warming and hurricane Katrina.
Dick Cheney was the first man to say “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” He uses it to heat his coffee.
I heard Dick Cheney built secret windmill farms on old oil drilling rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. When the wind blows, the windmills turn and lower the levies in New Orleans.
Dick Cheny doesn’t use computers, he has a room full of grizzly bears to add sums for him.
Dick Cheney once singlehandedly defeated the Iron Sheikh, Boris Karloff, the British Bulldogs and Rowdy Roddy Piper in a steel cage match to both unify the WWF championship, and to p*ss off the United Nations.
Each year, Dick and Lynne Cheney host an Easter egg hunt for the school children of DC. At the end of the festivities, Dick Cheney selects one lucky boy or girl and hurls the child into the heart of the sun.
Dick Cheney is a direct male-line descendant of Genghis Khan.
When Mickey tells Rocky that he has to “eat thunder and crap lightning” he is just suggesting something he once saw Dick Cheney do.
Young Dick Cheney’s first movie experience was “Ol’ Yeller”. His bellowing laughter at the ending escaped from Earth’s atmosphere in the form of radio waves, and will be heard by distant civilizations on the other side of the Milky Way in 3000 years.
Every year, Dick Cheney clones himself, and he and the clones fight to the death. Because only the meanest and most cruel version survives, he becomes progressively more evil. He would fight others to the death, but remember: only Dick Cheney is hard enough to cut Dick Cheney.
Niccolo Machiavelli formulated his famous precept that “It is better for a ruler to be feared than loved” after seeing Dick Cheney berate a waitress at IHOP.
Cheney was shocked to find out that most people considered Sauron to be the bad guy in “The Lord Of The Rings” novels.
Every time Cheney’s heart beats, an angel gets his wings. Every time Cheney’s heart skips a beat, an angel gets set on fire.
Superman once launched Dick Cheney into a deep space spinning two-dimensional glass prison. Cheney’s smirk shattered the glass, and then he snapped Christopher Reeve’s spine in half in order to suck out the nutritious fluid.
From Double XP:
Trees lose their leaves because Cheney hits the campaign trail in the fall. It happens every year because trees don’t know which years are election years.
Cheney… Haliburton… oil… dinosaur extinction. Do I have to paint a picture for you?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. But Dick Cheney made it a toll road and it got finished under budget and ahead of schedule.
Dick Cheney is the reason the Jews put lambs blood on their doors at the first Passover.
Dick Cheney engineered Carter’s election in ’76 so that the world would properly appreciate Reagan.
Dick Cheney is responsible for Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe Malfunction. The real Justin Timberlake remains “relaxing” at Gitmo.
The real reason the alien ship crashed at Roswell is as punishment for not paying proper respect to Dick.
Dick Cheney, a plan, a canal, Panama. Its not a plaindrome, but only because Dick Cheney is not merely a man.
After leaving the White House in 1974, Cheney became chief of security for Lynyrd Skynyrd. During a memorable concert at the Jacksonville Gator Bowl, he once head-butted an unruly gate crasher. That drunk hillbilly is now known as Steven Hawking.
Dick Cheney invented the internet. No, really.
The size of the glacier on Kilamanjaro is inversely proportional to the influence of Dick Cheney. FYI, it has been receding for the past 6,000 years.
Dick Cheney picks up kids from The Hapiness Bag, puts them on the rear seat of his bicycle built for two then bets them a dollar they can’t beat him in a race around the block. After every victory, he snatches their dollar, does an in-your-face victory dance and spikes a kitten.
The movie Alien was based on the events surrounding Dick Cheney’s birth.
Hippies actually bathe as often as you or I. Their smell is a result of the fear of Cheney.
On occassion, Dick Cheney has pulled his own heart from his chest, just to see it beating.
Cheney offered to teach John Edwards “how to pick up teeth with broken fingers” just before the vice-presidential debate.
The atomic number of Dick Cheney is infinity, and he has a half-life of everything until now.
Real men love Jesus, smart men fear Dick Cheney.
Italy is shaped that way because Dick Cheney hates Sicilians.
Dick Cheney is so hard, he once ate a hardback copy of Das Kapital, and his resulting bowel movement went on to rule Cuba for 50 years.
The Canadian military came into existence when Dick Cheney fired his maid service.
The box that the Constitution came in said: “Dick Cheney Not Incuded”
Dick Cheney life inspired the movies Roadhouse, Mad Max, and Beaches– the last because it was a movie the exact opposite of what Dick Cheney would f*cking watch.
NORAD’s Cheyene Mountain complex was built by following Dick Cheney’s chest X-Ray.
All Your Base Are Belong To Dick Cheney.
One day Dick Cheney was flipping through the channels on TV and came across Poison’s Unskinny Bop on MTV, followed by Europe’s The Final Countdown, followed by Queensryche’s Silent Lucidity. “What the f*cking f*ck is this sh*t?!” he bellowed in a voice so loud and pure it reduced alloys into their component metals. And you never heard from any of them again. To which Dick Cheney says, “You’re welcome.”
If an irresistible force struck an immovable object, it would release Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney knows the cat is dead. He doesn’t need to open the box.
Shaking Dick Cheney’s hand without injury is only possible because of the Leidenfrost effect.
Because Dick Cheney likes to mix his Slurpees with half Coke and half Cherry, that’s all you can find on a consistent basis in 9 out of 10 Seven Elevens.
Men are always required to wear a jacket and tie in President Bush’s Oval Office–except for Dick Cheney, who gets by with wearing only his bypass scar and a kilt knitted from the entrails of Taliban fighters.
James Dean thought it would be pretty funny to cut Dick Cheney off in traffic. Who’s laughin’ now, pretty-boy?
Dick Cheney performed the first male-to-female sex change operation, using a procedure which today is known as “eye contact with Dick Cheney.”
When Bruce Banner is angered, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When Dick Cheney is tranquilized, he does the same.
The only known solvent for Dick Cheney is a two mol solution of Ronald Reagan.
Most of Stephen King’s novels were inspired by a single night’s visit from Dick Cheney.
Democrats have five hundred words for Dick Cheney. They use none of them for fear that he will hear them call his name.
James Bond is the only agent who ever successfully infiltrated Cheney’s underground lair of evil. He was apprehended by henchmen and strapped to a laser table over a shark tank with a countdown clock. “Do you expect me to talk, Cheney?” said Bond. It was lunchtime, so Cheney ate him.
Cheney killed Schroedinger’s cat, but he didn’t tell anyone.
The MSM calls them insurgents. Cheney calls them warm up. The MSM calls them suicide bombers. Cheney calls them pulled pork buffet.
Paul Krugman has concerns about Cheney’s health. Cheney “has concerns” about the Krugman’s health. Paul Krugman does not mention Cheney’s health anymore.
Cheney goes to Mexico TO drink the water. The Water? Cheney gives it the sh*ts.
Bears crap in the woods because Dick Cheney told them to, and they are too scared to disobey.
In order to protect his loved ones from his one-man war on crime, Dick Cheney has assumed the secret identity of the mild-mannered Wolverine.
Dick Cheney once did drugs. He gave it up though when he couldn’t artificially replace the high he gets when slowly destroying the souls of the damned.
Joseph P. Kennedy p*ssed off Dick Cheney one day. The result is known to history as the Kennedy Curse.
Three men were sitting by a campfire when they heard thrashing through the brush and a horrible growl. A 7′, 350lb muscle sculpted man rode up on the back of a grizzly bear. He reached into the boiling pot and stuffed the burning food into his mouth, grabbed the boiling coffee and chugged it then took a dump and wiped his ass with a cactus. He slapped the grizzly, mounted it and said to the men. “Hate to eat and run but Dick Cheney is after me and he’s only a few hours behind me.
Why did Dick Cheney cross the road? Premptive strike. He was daring that damned road to retaliate.”
Dick Cheney eats your personal liberties for breakfest.
All Dick Cheney does is swim, eat, and make baby sharks. Yes, I said sharks, dammit. You think his sperm would create anything as wimpy as human children?
Kill one and you are a murderer. Kill a million and you are a conquerer. Kill them all and you are Dick Cheney.
Back in the sixties Dick Cheney had sex with Marilyn Monroe. To this day Cheney breaks out in laughter when someone implies it was drugs that killed her.
The Lucayan Indians were terrified when they saw the white sails of three ships approaching their island in 1492, because they knew that it meant that the race that would beget Cheney had discovered the New World.
Dick Cheney uses the skull of a Predator to hold his toothbrush and toothpaste.
Right now Dick Cheney is sitting atop the Great Pyramid at Giza, enjoying a fine Cuban, and a cigar. [Read that again…]
…and the Sphynx was heard muttering that Cheney would probably never call.
It is a loosely guarded secret at the NSA that the cause of UFO crashes in the desert Southwest is the gravitational interference encountered when Dick Cheney has morning wood.
The first time Dick Cheney went hunting he was attacked by a 1500 lb. Grizzly bear. The second time Dick Cheney went hunting he brought along his lucky bear claw.
Dick Cheney doesn’t always drink, but when he does, he prefers the blood of communists.
Darth Vader has a Dick Cheney poster on his door.
Dick Cheney is so manly that one of his daughters is a man.
The phrase “Dick Cheney” officially contributes to a climate of hate.
Dick Cheney was offered the role of Rambo, but casting decided he was not effeminate enough for the role.
The murder rate is 0% in Dick Cheney’s neighborhood because homicide committed suicide when he moved in.
Sharks have a week dedicated to Dick Cheney.
The new Fords are built Dick Cheney tough.
Dick Cheney fears nothing… except Dick Cheney. Yet Dick Cheney knows no fear. It’s pretty f*cked up.
Mature Giant Redwood trees wilt with envy when he stops to relieve himself in the woods.
[One by me:] If Chuck Norris is after you, you have no chance of survival… Unless you ask Dick Cheney to hide you. Then again, he might blindfold you and take you to ‘an undisclosed location’… That turns out to be Chuck Norris’ house. Dick Cheney is humorous in that way.