K is for Keith: The Movie/Trailer


Lol!

Best imagined with the italicized standalone lines announced by that deep-voiced guy who does all movie trailer ever, with booming slightly-too-loud Dolby surround sound effects and dark surroundings and the cinema is too cold.

———————————

Comedy At Midnight

###

You know in a preview? Like for a movie? Like they spend the first minute of it explaining the situation to you in clear words and slow-moving pictures? So you get the basics?

And then, halfway through, they start showing fast-cuts of images scattered throughout the movie in an effort to convey action and excitement and quickening pace and heightening tension?

This is what Keith is doing. His words mean nothing here. He just starts jotting down synonyms for hate and fear and sh*t. And he doesn’t even take care about sentence structure or clarity during this part, because none of these words is supposed to stand on its own, just like the quick-shots at the middle/end of a thriller trailer aren’t supposed to stand on their own. They’re supposed to blur by with Furious Speed and Great Importance so that you get the sense that Something Interesting Is Happening.

And that’s all this sh*t is. It’s Keith tossing out the verbal equivalents of a butcher knife coming through a door, a car speeding on a rainy country road, a mother crying and dropping to her knees at awful news, and a scientist shocked at what he finds in a specimen jar.

So, like the beginning of his very special comment is all, like:

Imagine a world…

in which everything you thought was real, was fake….

everything you thought was right, was wrong…

and everyone you trusted — wanted your brain…

Right? And then this part is when the staccato percussion starts and you start seeing quick-shots of people jolting and doors opening and tires squealing and people screaming at a black female judge who bangs her gavel and gives that “oh no you di’n’t” face.

###

At this point in the trailer, you’d now be out of the scary music part and now they’d show a man and woman embracing as violins sweetly rise (because they don’t want to end on a downer) and the voice says…

New Line pictures invites you…

to enter a world of…

unexpected possiblities…

###

At this point, like, Diane Lane is, like, chopping onions at a chef’s school? And she starts to cry, but Gerald Butler sees her and makes a silly face, so she laughs? It’s all cute, you know. They look good together. You want them together, and stuff?

Okay, so now the title of the movie comes up, right? And it’s a movie about a 50 year old, glasses-wearing, fat-a$$ed-but-hides-it-on-tv broken down old man who probably has to take Viagra just to make it to second base?

And the man is, like, totally retarded? But he has a gift, or something, that only his sister Diane Lane can recognize? And she’s dating a scientist played by Gerard Butler who wants to cut out his brain for being, like, too retarded?

And because it’s a retard movie, the title of the movie is shown in crayon font, right, with some letters backwards? Because that’s how retards write?

And the title of the movie is

K is for Keith

With the K’s backwards? Like retarded?

So that’s what I think about Keith Olbermann’s very special comments — they’re like incredibly long, incredibly boring trailers for a low-budget movie about a demented retard in his mid-fifties who sets up a pretend tv studio in his mother’s basement and does a “TV show” every night interviewing puppets and his pet mice Hugo and Hubert, while Gerald Butler wants to cut out and examine his brain because it’s the Most Perfectly Retarded Brain Specimen in world history and his theory (for which he won the Nobel Prize) is that only a perfect retard-brain is the key to world peace and Diane Lane is his devoted sister trying to get a court order from Queen Latifah to stop him from seizing the brain but somehow they fall in love in a quickie montage set to September by Earth Wind & Fire and so Gerald Butler stops trying to steal Keef’s moron-brain and they become friends and at the end of the movie Gerald Butler teaches Keef how to shoot basketballs and it’s touching and funny but mostly funny because he’s a f*cking retard and keeps hitting himself in the face with the f*cking ball like a f*cking imbecile.

And then like, last shot, he’s dancing in the middle of the street in the rain, turning in slow motion, holding a sparkler laughing with retard joy as September hits the chorus and we say the title again:

K… is for Keith

and then of course, the internet site for promotional material:

kisforkeithmovie.com

Oh, There’s More: rdbrewer asked, “Does he have retard vision? Some special insight that makes the lives of normal people better?”

I haven’t worked it all out, but I think like, Gerald Butler is wrong, he doesn’t need the retard-brain for world peace, he just needs the retard to give a speech at the UN where he’s all like “I like peanut butter… we all like peanut butter… no more war” and then like, everyone’s like, “F*ck, that fat f*ckin’ retard makes a lot of f*ckin’ sense.”

I think I forgot that part, the part at the UN. So imagine, near the end, he’s at the UN, eating peanut butter with his hand out of a jar, exhaling through his nostrils, and there’s like a cameo appearance by Dan Rather to say “Breaking newsss… a retard speaksss at the United Nationsss…” and we’re all like so impressed to see a wannabe-celebrity news-pr*ck do a cameo in a movie we’re all like “ooooooh, Dan Rather, I guess this sh*t has the texture of reality to it,” despite the fact that Dan Rather’s in “news broadcasting business” as much as I f*ckin’ am.

Posted by Ace

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Context and set-up at the link.

I and others agree, Ace is a gifted writer/mocker.


15 Responses to “K is for Keith: The Movie/Trailer”

  1. osibisa Says:

    “So bad, It’s good!” – Keith Olbermann (1/18/08)
    http://www.olbermannwatch.com/

  2. osibisa Says:

    GOP ad: Democrats fleeing Air Force One

    AC_FL_RunContent(‘codebase’,’http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,28,0′,’width’,’485′,’height’,’350′,’title’,’Video Player’,’src’,’http://www.nydailynews.com/swf/video_player/vp_485_single_06092010′, ‘FlashVars’, ’embedCode=dvZXBuMTqTw3W8ncGRBYO22bvTWX5IDx’, ‘quality’,’high’, ‘play’, ‘true’, ‘loop’, ‘true’, ‘allowFullScreen’, ‘true’, ‘pluginspage’,’http://www.adobe.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash’,’movie’,’http://www.nydailynews.com/swf/video_player/vp_485_single_06092010′ );

  3. osibisa Says:

    GOP ad shows Dems sliding off President Obama’s Air Force One

    Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2010/08/18/2010-08-18_gop_ad_shows_dems_sliding_off_bam_plane.html#ixzz0x1YbWni6

  4. clovis Says:

    There’s a second question to this survey and unfortunately it shows a fear of what President Obama may yet try to do to Israel.

    2* A year from now will America’s relationship with Israel be better than it is today, worse than it is today or about the same?

    10% Better

    34% Worse

    45% About the same

    12% Not sure

    Ouch. That’s an awfully high percentage of “worse” and it shows a lack of trust for Obama among Israel’s supporters.
    http://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/toplines/pt_survey_toplines/august_2010/toplines_israel_august_9_10_2010

  5. shrike Says:

    There’s no media bias in America

  6. kobold Says:

    Obama now blames poor job numbers on congressional inaction.
    Wait! His party runs Congress
    http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2010/08/obama-mosque-jobs-economy.html

  7. eek&meek Says:

    CAIR Taqiyya fails on MSNBC with Chris Matthews

  8. eek&meek Says:

    “They [Americans] were ungrateful for the bounties of Allah, and so Allah caused them to taste fear and hunger.”

    Born as Mark Hanson in 1959 to parents who were American academics, Hamza Yusuf converted to Islam at age seventeen.

  9. peeps Says:

    kolbie getting married to oamie`s aunty?:

    Kenya says Obama aunt was not in danger
    By Tom Odula, Associated Press Writer
    August 20, 2010

    Kenya’s government is unhappy with the impression created by a U.S. court ruling that granted asylum to President Barack Obama’s aunt for saying she could be targeted by members of Kenya’s government if deported, an official said Friday.

    Government Spokesman Alfred Mutua described the case of Zeituni Onyango as an embarrassment and said the allegations made against Kenya were untrue and unrealistic.

    “It has become a habit for Kenyans seeking asylum in other countries to lie. Her case is an embarrassment to this country and President Obama,” Mutua said. “We are not looking for her. The government does not have any problem with Zeituni Onyango.”

    Earlier this week, U.S. Immigration Judge Leonard Shapiro said he gave Onyango asylum in the U.S. because she would be a target in Kenya not only for those who oppose the United States and Obama but for members of the Kenyan government.

  10. peeps Says:

    Actually, Mr. Shapiro did not say any such thing earlier this week. He would never be so open and honest. The AP got the basis for his “secret” ruling through a Freedom Of Information Act request.

    “Judge Gave Zeituni Amnesty Based On Lies”
    http://sweetness-light.com/archive/judge-gave-zeituni-amnesty-based-on-lies

  11. mofodo Says:

    MSNBC Swears to Allah That Obama’s Not A Muslim
    http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=38709

  12. pam&spens Says:

    When Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews feature a spokesman for a Hamas-linked Muslim Brotherhood front group, without notifying their viewers about the unsavory ties of the spokesman they’re featuring, and when they allow that spokesman to defame Americans who are trying to defend Constitutional freedoms and generally accepted principles of human rights, more and more people are realizing that these people are not journalists, but propagandists, and propagandists of the worst sort.

    So they are turning away, in droves. And they are coming here, where the truth is told, fully and honestly and without obfuscation. With over three million unique visitors and counting, August 2010 has been our biggest month ever — topping last month, which was our biggest month ever up to that point.

    http://www.jihadwatch.org/2010/08/jihad-watch-hotter-than-hot-air.html

  13. torque Says:

    As the U.S. draws down in Iraq, it is leaving behind hundreds of abandoned or incomplete projects. More than $5 billion in American taxpayer funds has been wasted — more than 10 percent of the some $50 billion the U.S. has spent on reconstruction in Iraq, according to audits from a U.S. watchdog agency.
    http://finance.yahoo.com/news/AP-IMPACT-US-wasted-billions-apf-4048894300.html?x=0&sec=topStories&pos=main&asset=&ccode=

  14. Desk Antiques · Says:

    movie trailers on youtube are so cool, they even got trailers of the latest movies _

  15. Calvin Says:

    I’m happy I discovered your website on ask. Thanks for the sensible critique. My wife and me ended up being just preparing to do some research concerning this. I will be thrilled to see these fantastic information currently being shared freely out there.

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