Best imagined with the italicized standalone lines announced by that deep-voiced guy who does all movie trailer ever, with booming slightly-too-loud Dolby surround sound effects and dark surroundings and the cinema is too cold.
Comedy At Midnight
You know in a preview? Like for a movie? Like they spend the first minute of it explaining the situation to you in clear words and slow-moving pictures? So you get the basics?
And then, halfway through, they start showing fast-cuts of images scattered throughout the movie in an effort to convey action and excitement and quickening pace and heightening tension?
This is what Keith is doing. His words mean nothing here. He just starts jotting down synonyms for hate and fear and sh*t. And he doesn’t even take care about sentence structure or clarity during this part, because none of these words is supposed to stand on its own, just like the quick-shots at the middle/end of a thriller trailer aren’t supposed to stand on their own. They’re supposed to blur by with Furious Speed and Great Importance so that you get the sense that Something Interesting Is Happening.
And that’s all this sh*t is. It’s Keith tossing out the verbal equivalents of a butcher knife coming through a door, a car speeding on a rainy country road, a mother crying and dropping to her knees at awful news, and a scientist shocked at what he finds in a specimen jar.
So, like the beginning of his very special comment is all, like:
Imagine a world…
in which everything you thought was real, was fake….
everything you thought was right, was wrong…
and everyone you trusted — wanted your brain…
Right? And then this part is when the staccato percussion starts and you start seeing quick-shots of people jolting and doors opening and tires squealing and people screaming at a black female judge who bangs her gavel and gives that “oh no you di’n’t” face.
At this point in the trailer, you’d now be out of the scary music part and now they’d show a man and woman embracing as violins sweetly rise (because they don’t want to end on a downer) and the voice says…
New Line pictures invites you…
to enter a world of…
At this point, like, Diane Lane is, like, chopping onions at a chef’s school? And she starts to cry, but Gerald Butler sees her and makes a silly face, so she laughs? It’s all cute, you know. They look good together. You want them together, and stuff?
Okay, so now the title of the movie comes up, right? And it’s a movie about a 50 year old, glasses-wearing, fat-a$$ed-but-hides-it-on-tv broken down old man who probably has to take Viagra just to make it to second base?
And the man is, like, totally retarded? But he has a gift, or something, that only his sister Diane Lane can recognize? And she’s dating a scientist played by Gerard Butler who wants to cut out his brain for being, like, too retarded?
And because it’s a retard movie, the title of the movie is shown in crayon font, right, with some letters backwards? Because that’s how retards write?
And the title of the movie is
K is for Keith
With the K’s backwards? Like retarded?
So that’s what I think about Keith Olbermann’s very special comments — they’re like incredibly long, incredibly boring trailers for a low-budget movie about a demented retard in his mid-fifties who sets up a pretend tv studio in his mother’s basement and does a “TV show” every night interviewing puppets and his pet mice Hugo and Hubert, while Gerald Butler wants to cut out and examine his brain because it’s the Most Perfectly Retarded Brain Specimen in world history and his theory (for which he won the Nobel Prize) is that only a perfect retard-brain is the key to world peace and Diane Lane is his devoted sister trying to get a court order from Queen Latifah to stop him from seizing the brain but somehow they fall in love in a quickie montage set to September by Earth Wind & Fire and so Gerald Butler stops trying to steal Keef’s moron-brain and they become friends and at the end of the movie Gerald Butler teaches Keef how to shoot basketballs and it’s touching and funny but mostly funny because he’s a f*cking retard and keeps hitting himself in the face with the f*cking ball like a f*cking imbecile.
And then like, last shot, he’s dancing in the middle of the street in the rain, turning in slow motion, holding a sparkler laughing with retard joy as September hits the chorus and we say the title again:
K… is for Keith
and then of course, the internet site for promotional material:
Oh, There’s More: rdbrewer asked, “Does he have retard vision? Some special insight that makes the lives of normal people better?”
I haven’t worked it all out, but I think like, Gerald Butler is wrong, he doesn’t need the retard-brain for world peace, he just needs the retard to give a speech at the UN where he’s all like “I like peanut butter… we all like peanut butter… no more war” and then like, everyone’s like, “F*ck, that fat f*ckin’ retard makes a lot of f*ckin’ sense.”
I think I forgot that part, the part at the UN. So imagine, near the end, he’s at the UN, eating peanut butter with his hand out of a jar, exhaling through his nostrils, and there’s like a cameo appearance by Dan Rather to say “Breaking newsss… a retard speaksss at the United Nationsss…” and we’re all like so impressed to see a wannabe-celebrity news-pr*ck do a cameo in a movie we’re all like “ooooooh, Dan Rather, I guess this sh*t has the texture of reality to it,” despite the fact that Dan Rather’s in “news broadcasting business” as much as I f*ckin’ am.
Posted by Ace
Context and set-up at the link.
I and others agree, Ace is a gifted writer/mocker.