Rick Perry Facts


Found via AoSHQ, it’s Rick Perry Facts on Twitter.

Here’s my collection that I’ve gleaned from the field:

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In six words, What are your thoughts on Texas Gov. Rick Perry? // Can play violin. With a piano.

Obama started smoking again immediately after @GovernorPerry announced his bid.

I asked Perry whether he’s armed today. He declined to say. “That’s why it’s called concealed.”

As President, Rick Perry will protect the Secret Service.

If Rick Perry is elected, he will return the oceans to their dangerous pre-2009 levels.

In six words, What are your thoughts on Texas Gov. Rick Perry? // Rick Perry recruited “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

An Eagle Scout, Rick Perry can start a fire with dental floss and water.

Rick Perry wore cowboy boots and Levi’s when he beat Carl Lewis in the 100 meter dash.

Darth Vader wishes he was Rick Perry’s father.

Spilled milk cries over Rick Perry.

The state of Texas has a bumper sticker on its truck that says “Don’t Mess with Rick Perry.”

Rick Perry already traveled to the future,won the election, and saved America now he is just waiting for us to catch up.

Rick Perry doesn’t run for the presidency, he pile-drives it into submission.

Iran’s desire for nuclear weapons isn’t to destroy Israel, it’s out of fear of Rick Perry.

Rick Perry’s x-rays come back in Red, White, and Blue.

The teleprompter reads off Rick Perry.

Rick Perry used a cloth-covered 1952 Piper Super Cub plane to “community organize” back in the 1980s.

There are signs when you enter Texas warning the bears not to feed Rick Perry.

Rick Perry can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Notice who wasn’t in power during the Great Depression? #justsayin #rickperry

Rick Perry’s toothpaste doesn’t have baking soda in it. It has gun powder in it.

Rick Perry wins debates he doesn’t even attend.

Electing Rick Perry is the best unemployment insurance plan.

Tonight Rick Perry will sit in his chair and watch the Republican VICE Presidential debate.

Rick Perry’s defense plan entails a 9mm, a 12 gauge and a pack of rattlesnakes. Everything else is redundant.

Ronald Reagan dispatched Rick Perry to take care of a “situation” in Kafeekistan. Never heard of Kafeekistan? Precisely.

RickPerrycare consists entirely of Rick Perry donating his own plasma and stem cells to the sick and injured.

In Texas, a government shutdown happens anytime Rick Perry goes to sleep.

Did Romney just call them “net net” jobs? No wonder Rick Perry’s Texas has added more of them than the other 49 put together. (Ref: here)

Above via Gateway Pundit.

Rick Perry doesn’t take pharmaceuticals for headaches. Headaches take drugs for their throbbing Rick Perrys.

Rick Perry doesn’t need a “growth target.” He has a crimson trace laser-sighted growth pistol.

Rick Perry doesn’t turn the economy around, the economy revolves around him.

Rick Perry speaks several octaves higher than he should bc his normal voice causes liberals to seizure.

It took Rick Perry to make Chuck Norris a real Texas Ranger. http://twitpic.com/5i7gux

Rick Perry officially running for President. “I’mma let you finish,” said Perry, before jumping on stage, grabbing the microphone from Iowa.

For some pols, desperate times call for drastic measures. For Rick Perry, desperate times call for just fixing things and calling it a day.

The last man who made eye contact with Rick Perry was Ray Charles.

Running for President doesn’t intimidate Rick Perry, he intimidates it.

Rick Perry went rabbit hunting with a ballpoint pen. He killed five deer and a terrorist.

Vladimir Putin is scared of Rick Perry.

John Galt is often overhead asking, “Who is Rick Perry?”

Alan Greenspan calls Rick Perry “The Maestro.”

The Sun wears Rick Perry screen.

The last guy to get slapped in the face by Rick Perry was District Attorney Harvey Dent.

If you text Rick Perry’s middle name as your vote for #AmericanIdol, Ryan Seacrest goes back to Narnia.

Rick Perry was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting “liberal pain.”

If Rick Perry passed you on the street and did not see you, you would still feel as if he said “hello” and asked you about your day.

If Rick Perry administered bank stress tests, not even Tim Geithner’s Treasury Department would survive.

Rick Perry has a personal trade surplus with China.

Rick Perry doesn’t just target inflation. He shoots it with his concealed weapon while jogging.

Gold tried to buy Rick Perry to hedge against inflation.

What do Rick Perry and Obama have in common? They both inherited credit ratings from George W. Bush. Perry raised his, Obama lowered his.

When Rick Perry’s skiing partner broke a leg, he carried her ten miles to get help. He then proceeded to break his own leg out of sympathy.

Rick Perry killed a crocodile that was about to eat an innocent puppy, using only his eyelids.

Rick Perry is supposed to be bald, but his hair is actually afraid not to grow.

Rick Perry was on top of the NY Times best seller list for a children’s book called, “Man The F*%k Up.”

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Rick Perry is going to walk.

Rick Perry can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f*ck Rick Perry is.

Rick Perry’s stem cells are the basis of the Super-Soldier Serum.

Major League Baseball is investigating 13 players because their blood tests returned with traces of Rick Perry’s urine.

When others create a login, it tells them “Password not strong enough.” When Rick Perry types his name, it tells him “Password too strong.”

The rumor that when Rick Perry was little, teachers would raise their hands to ask him questions: false. He was never little.

Fred Flinstone gives his kids Rick Perry vitamins

Rick Perry can kill using 100% non-violent methods.

Rick Perry smells what The Rock is cooking. Because The Rock is his personal chef.

rick perry needed back surgery from patting himself on the back for performing his own back surgery

Rick Perry is recovering from spine surgery; apparently he had just too much steel in it for one man.

Rick Perry’s amateur medical advice is still better than Barack Obama’s health care plan.

Rick Perry brand toilet paper went out of business because it wouldn’t take $#1t from anybody.

It was scientifically proven that Rick Perry’s DNA is single-stranded. The right strand did not put up with the left strand’s liberal crap.

Rick Perry is the only palindrome spelled differently forwards and backwards.

Chuck Norris is known to throw baseballs 100mph for fun, Rick Perry is known to throw Chuck Norris 100mph for fun.

Rick Perry has a full body tattoo of himself.

Rick Perry strongly abides by the motto: “Safety third.”

Rick Perry is an unabashed supporter of PETA — People Eating Tasty Animals.

Sometimes Raven thinks to herself “That’s SO RICK PERRY

Rick Perry can whistle in thirteen different languages, including sign language.

Rick Perry doesn’t cry wolf. He makes Wolf Blitzer cry.

Rick Perry defeated Voldemort with the jobus creatus spell.

Rick Perry could bench press the debt ceiling without breaking a sweat.

Rick Perry flew planes all over the world for the United States Air Force during the 1970s, and, boy, are his arms not tired.

The Army changed its slogan to “Army of One” after a recruiter mistakenly thought that Rick Perry had re-enlisted.

Rick Perry single-handedly enforces ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’

Rick Perry can give bees and peanuts anaphylactic shock.

This is a spoiler, but Harry Potter vanquishes Voldemort by showing him a photo of a steely-eyed Rick Perry.

Rick Perry’s favorite food is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Rick Perry won the Kentucky Derby… On a unicorn.

Wisconsin used to be just east of Texas until Rick Perry kicked its a$$.

The ministry was originally going to have Rick Perry guard Azkaban but realized it was more humane to have dementors.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Rick Perry.

Rick Perry loves his kids and gave his son all a dad ever could. Love, support, guidance. And a firearm.

Rick Perry has dissected frogs that are alive and happy to this very day.

Rick Perry caused 24 to be canceled. Jack Bauer became boring and pedestrian compared to the Governor of Texas.

Kenny G. is allowed to live because Rick Perry doesn’t kill women.

Rick Perry stared at the sun. The sun blinked first.

After Rick Perry eats asparagus, his pee smells like freedom.

No monument has ever been built to honor Rick Perry because anything smaller than the planet would be insulting. He also opposes earmarks.

Rick Perry smashed a mirror over a black cat’s head while standing under a ladder, then won the lottery that day. He donated it to charity.

Rick Perry doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Worried about the debt ceiling issue Rick Perry moved his trunks full of cash from the attic to the basement.

Rick Perry can kill two stones with one bird.

Rick Perry played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Rick Perry is most famous for playing the role as “The Force” in the original 3 Star Wars films. He wanted nothing to do with JarJar Binks.

Speaking of light bulbs, Rick Perry made those legal again in Texas.

Rick Perry can bend laws of economics by merely speaking. One of his knock-knock jokes back in the 1970s eventually became the Laffer Curve.

The word “lesbian” derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as “She who has not yet been introduced to Rick Perry.” #maddow

Rick Perry eats his eggs raw. Shells on. Twelve at a time. From eagles.

When Rick Perry plays Boggle, 18,000 jobs are created in America. Unfortunately, he only played once last month.

Rick Perry’s actions speak louder than words; his personality speaks louder than actions.

Convicted child rapist and murderer #HumbertoLeal is now shovel-ready; thanks to Texas Gov. Rick Perry.

Rick Perry beat all the levels on Angry Birds with three stars. With real birds.

Rick Perry is the sole enforcer of all no-fly zones worldwide.

Death once had a near-Rick-Perry experience.

Rick Perry killed 4 birds with half a stone. Didn’t know there was such a thing as half a stone? Neither did the birds.

Laura Ingraham today spent time on her radio show asking if Rick Perry is too good looking to be president.

Rick Perry doesn’t believe in the existence of vampires… Because he already killed them all.

Rick Perry went jogging around Texas and finished in 10 minutes. He spent the first 9 minutes stretching, and 20 seconds shooting a coyote. (Ref: here)

Rick Perry’s drivers license photo looks professionally done. No, really. It does.

A solar eclipse is a sign that Rick Perry won a staring contest against the sun… again.

The Alamo remembers Rick Perry.

Rick Perry’s words carry weight that would break a lesser man’s jaw.

In his spare time, Rick Perry patrols the skies in a B-24 with a WWII veteran. Seriously. http://dld.bz/aeYxy

Rick Perry wasn’t born on the Fourth of July, because his mom didn’t want America’s Independence Day to take a back seat.

Rick Perry died in a flying accident 35 years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

Rick Perry is getting soft. He reportedly sleeps with a pillow underneath his gun.

Rick Perry’s charm is so contagious, Obama hired scientists in China to work around the clock to find a vaccine for it.

Rick Perry and Chuck Norris once walked past each other and “fist-bumped”. The result? The Universe.

About that coyote Rick Perry shot. Yeah, he was wanted for human trafficking.

Rick Perry convinced Glenn Beck to move to Texas.

All Michael Bay movies are adapted from various parts of Rick Perry’s life.

Rick Perry once went to visit a psychic, but it was only to warn her.

When Rick Perry had surgery yesterday, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors. http://dld.bz/aft55

Rick Perry found Bin Laden several times but released him because he enjoys the hunt. On May 1st, he decided enough was enough.

Anytime Rick Perry makes a public decision, the song “Final Countdown”by Europe begins to play across the world.

Rick Perry puts the “fist” in “Pacifist.”

Rick Perry grew up without running water. The water walked very slowly because it was too afraid.

‘Avatar’ Na’vi people were invented when Rick Perry uppercutted a Smurf during his time in the Air Force.

RP once went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico & ended up in the Pacific Ocean. And that’s how he created the Panama Canal.

All of Rick Perry’s genes are dominant.

Rick Perry is in California today. He once stubbed his toe while hiking there. It’s now referred to as San Andreas Fault.

If @GovernorPerry is following you on Twitter, it means he has almost found you.

Once a grizzly bear threatened Rick Perry. He showed the bear his .380 and the bear proceeded to maul himself to avoid a wasted bullet.

One man’s meat is another man’s poison. So, seriously, stop stealing Rick Perry’s meat. He’s tired of having to buy poison.

Rick Perry frequently calls 911, just to see if he can help out.

Rick Perry’s Bluray collection consists entirely of 250 copies of “Red Dawn,” and he meticulously alphabetizes it daily.

Rick Perry does not run for President. The President runs FROM Rick Perry

Handicapped parking signs aren’t for disabled people. They’re more of a warning. Of your future if you park there illegally.

Rick Perry fights bears with a knife. He lets the bears use the knife.

Rick Perry can speak braille.

A watched pot damn well better boil if Rick Perry is the one watching it!

Rick Perry once killed 37 terrorists with only 2 bullets… The first bullet was a warning shot.

Rick Perry sat by the Queen Mother at the Royal Wedding, and didn’t need an invitation. His presence was his Wedding gift.

Rick Perry told a joke at a convention- nobody laughed. They’d heard the story of the last person to laugh at Rick Perry.

Rick Perry drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Rick Perry can’t actually walk on water. It’s just that water is afraid to get him wet without his permission.

Rick Perry became a vegetarian for a while not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

The movie “Sum of all Fears” is based very closely on the unfortunate time Rick Perry could not find his car keys.

A picture is word a thousand words. A picture with Rick Perry is worth a thousand dollars.

Rick Perry doesn’t need to run for President. He can walk.

Rick Perry uses gunpowder to soothe his itchy skin

Rick Perry once struck lightning.

Rick Perry accidentally won Iron Chef late one night while making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

BREAKING NEWS: The first paper airplane Rick Perry made when he was in Kindergarten finally lands safely.

Rick Perry doesn’t always have flaws, but when he does, they are the sort other GOP candidates wish they had. bit.ly/lMCqaH

If Rick Perry sneezed in your face, you would be blasted by 12,000 mg of antioxidants.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Rick Perry is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Rick Perry coined the phrase “Pardon my French” after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.

Rumor has it Rick Perry uses live rattlesnakes for condoms.

Rick Perry once swept and mopped the Sahara Desert.

When life gave Rick Perry lemons, he made lemonade, a 9 inch Bowie knife, an AK-47, and a playpen for his pet Koala.

If you want a list of Rick Perry’s enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Rick Perry climbed Mt. Everest, the mountain needed an oxygen mask.

Rick Perry has a grizzly bear carpet in his office. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just terrified of moving.

Jacks-in-the-box never open, no matter how many times Rick Perry turns the crank. They’re not that dumb.

Rick Perry finished Super Mario Brothers without ever jumping. In 96 seconds.

Rick Perry’s wallet is made of Chupacabra leather.

If Rick Perry were to punch you in the face, you’d have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.

Rick Perry wears a helmet when he rides his mountain bike to protect the ground from his head.

Rick Perry can shoot a ghost with a regular Ruger .380 LCP.

@GovernorPerry’s hair cures cancer — too bad he’s never lost a single strand.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Rick Perry accidentally lost his left testicle. You now know this by its scientific name: Jupiter.

In 1955, Rick Perry walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to breathe.

Rick Perry shot and killed another coyote yesterday. With a laser tag gun.

When Rick Perry adds milk to his Rice Krispies, they STFU.

Rick Perry never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Rick Perry.”

Rick Perry once sent $2000 to a Nigerian spammer, and actually received his $2.7 million inheritance.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Rick Perry has been there. In that case, the grass is likely soaked in coyote blood.

Death smiles at everyone. Rick Perry smiles back.

Rick Perry invented drugs. And the war on drugs. He just likes competition.

Rick Perry invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Rick Perry finished the original Zelda without buying any items. In 96 seconds.

Rick Perry eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow first.

Rick Perry lets that platypus use his name, only because DoofenshmirtzDoofenshmirtz’s evil plans are as ridiculous as Obama’s policies [This one by me]

Dick Cheney after you? Only Rick Perry can hide you. He’ll whisk you away to… Cheney’s dungeon. RP’s humorous in that way. [This one by me, scavenged from my Dick Cheney Facts]

Rick Perry also makes Chris Matthews’ leg tingle… But it’s just Matthews’ bladder spontaneously emptying [This one by me. Accepted and retweeted by Rick Perry Facts.]

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Circulating the net:

Rick Perry has announced his bid for the Presidency. Text of speech at here. After announcing, he’s already second behind Romney and ahead of even Bachmann – he even has more support from Tea Partiers than Tea Party queen Bachmann does! And here’s some Perry myths debunked, with more here. And defended here on economy, here on unemployment ratio.

See also Dick Cheney Facts, Barack Obama Facts and Chuck Norris Facts.


2 Responses to “Rick Perry Facts”

  1. Jamie Says:

    Then again, Rick Perry is also a stealth jihadist (according to jihadwatch). Where does that leave him?

  2. Scott Thong Says:

    I don’t really agree with jihadwatch’s argument. Perry rubbed shoulders with some people who have extremist views? I think it’s just political realism – of course he can’t come out with bullhorns blazing like Pamela Geller or Robert Spencer.
    Bush was similar, what with his dhimminess to appease while he smashed terror worldwide. Perry is a firm supporter of Israel – see Point 2 here.

    And of course, no one even comes close with the Dems in general and Obama in particular!

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