Posts Tagged ‘Chuck Norris’

Barack Obama Facts

August 8, 08

Conservatives have long had their hardcore he-man Chuck Norris Facts.

Now worshippers of the Liberal Obamessiah can rejoice, for they have their own limp-wristed, socialist pandering, world-kumbayaing Barack Obama facts:

Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.

When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week’s lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.

Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.

A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.

Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person’s cup fills up with nickels.

Every time Obama talks about “hope,” coma patients regain consciousness and chant “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

Obama is 50% typical White person.

Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.

When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.

Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.

Obama’s wife is a Klingon.

Obama’s children are named Child 1 and Child 2 respectively.

Our universe is held together by the force of Michelle Obama’s benevolent willpower, but her patience is running thin.

Michelle Obama has saved humanity from destruction many times and is slightly annoyed that we haven’t returned the favor.

Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.

More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.

US Mail Service published Obama’s resume on a new first class stamp.

Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.

When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.

Obama’s love for the downtrodden heats up the planet’s atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That’s why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.

The main point of Al Gore’s book “Earth in the Balance” is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.

Obama visited Benjamin Franklin in a dream and told him how to live his life serving the community, but all that Franklin could remember was, how to fly a kite.

Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words “hope” and “change” increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.

Any sentence containing the name “Obama” and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as “Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?”

Obama’s cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.

The “smoke” that comes out of Obama’s mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.

Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann’s show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.

When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.

Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.

In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.

An unkind word about Obama’s family serves as a passkey to the hottest rings of Hell.

When Obama smiles, somewhere in America a door opens to an abortion clinic.

When Obama claps his hands, a child is born in a Third World country.

When Obama stomps his foot, a sweatshop closes in Asia, with thousands of children in the streets demanding that the United States send them financial aid, food, and medicine.

When the people learn to vote themselves money from the public trough, Obama will appear.

It takes a wise man to use own words, but an even wiser man to use words spoken by others. And then there’s Obama.

Obama’s message of hope: when you reach rock bottom, start digging.

In second grade Obama developed a concrete plan to save the children. When George W. Bush heard about it, he killed the children and exiled Obama’s family to Hawaii because Bush hated the children.

George W. Bush deliberately added “Hussein” to Obama’s name on all official records, hoping that it would traumatize young Obama psychologically and stigmatize him for life.

When Obama gained control of the Good Forces of the Universe, George W. Bush locked him in a tower with an iron mask over his head to prevent a telepathic contact with the Force. But Bill Ayers received the signal, blew up Bush’s tower and liberated Obama.

Obama statues decorate all progressive capitals of the world. George W. Bush became jealous and stole one such statue, hoping to melt it and use the metal to make world’s strongest cannon to kill women and children. But Obama’s statue destroyed the furnace and made its way to freedom. Nobody knows where it is now, but the rumor is that it is fighting for the rights of the downtrodden all over the planet. Al Qaeda wants to capture the statue and turn it into an indestructible suicide bomber. If they ever succeed, it will be George W. Bush’s fault.

Bush can’t destroy the original Constitution because Obama’s handwriting is indestructible. That’s why Bush is hiding it in a lead container at the bottom of the Potomac River. If you find and open the container, all power in the land will at once return to the downtrodden.

When Obama buys caviar he always tries to get the one that is runny and tastes fishy, because that’s the kind of caviar that the downtrodden eat.

Biblical Obama

Jesus saw Obama on a tortilla

When Moses parted the sea, Obama was already on the other side

Obama cast the first, and only, stone

Jesus walked on Obama, Obama was swimming

Obama was using Jonah for fish bait

Obama dropped knowledge on the apple tree

And on the 8th day Obama finished the job

Obama was Solomon’s teacher

Obama was Chuck Norris’ sensei

Obama’s footprint was on the dirt Jesus spat onto

Obama supplied the baskets and vases for the sermon on the mount

Obama IS his brother’s keeper

Obama can bear his cross (related: The Obamessiah)

Super Chuck Norris Bros.

July 24, 08

Via Kotaku.com, apparently this is a video:

Of a real fan-made PC game demo!

And another version via Dueling Analogs:

You are also invited to refresh your memory of Chuck Norris’ ineffable machoness with some Chuck Norris Facts.

Chuck Norris doesn’t play video games. He beats them. With roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris Facts

January 15, 07

ChuckNorrisFacts

Or this totally wicked one from this German site:

ChuckNorrisFacts

Chuck Norris Facts is a collection of very truthful, completely not-exaggerated, totally serious snippets of knowledge about the machodeadlytoughguy manliness of Chuck Norris. Here’s a selection of my favourites (but please also see the end of this post after reading them).

See also Dick Cheney Facts.

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There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris Extinction

Above from Very Demotivational.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris Pokemon Battle

Above from Comixed.

From Very Demotivational:

Chuck Norris Broken Nokia

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris Sidewalk

Above from Very Demotivational.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris Bang Plane

Above from Comixed.

Chuck Norris Gun

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chick Norris

Above from So Much Pun.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris Toilet Paper Roll

Chuck Norris’ preferred brand of toilet roll.

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

Chuck Norris make onions cry.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattle snake died

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris Manwich

Chuck Norris prepares your breakfast.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris Bicycle

Above from Very Demotivational.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

By Dragonarte:

Chuck Norris Goku Superman Fusion

Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

From Comixed:

Chuck Norris Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Via Dueling Analogs:

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris The Film in 3D was actually banned after the first showing when a 3D roundhouse kick accidentally killed the entire audience.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.

From Super Chuck Norris Bros.:

Link has playable version!

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And if you’re into Magic: The Gathering, here are some that might make sense to you.

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Heh heh, lot’s of fun to had all around. Even Chuck Norris himself enjoys the jokes! Did you know that he’s a contributing columnist for World Net Daily? In that website, he talks about the Chuck Norris Facts and what he thinks about them here. Below are some excerpts:

“Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’ warm-up exercises.”

I’ve got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn’t always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.

If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.

“There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.”

It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.

“Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.”

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris’ tears, it’s Jesus’ blood.

Again, I’m flattered and amazed by the way I’ve become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.

Can I have an Amen? ;>

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And via AoSHQ, some REAL facts about Chuck Norris, including:

He Was Bullied As A Kid
The Air Force Made Him Who He Is
He Influenced A Lot of People You Wouldn’t Expect
Before He Succeeded, He Failed – A Lot


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