You Have Two Cows: Southeast Asian Edition

You should read my previous post on Two Cows before reading this.

These are my own original, local takes on the Two Cows:

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MALAYSIA: High tariffs on foreign-imported cows mean you can only buy locally-bred national cows. Which are raised using your taxpayers’ money.

MALAYSIA: You have a vast farm with plenty of cows. But no one gets the milk, because you sell it all and use the profits to build mega-farm structures like the world’s tallest barnyard and fund fame-bringing endeavors like tarik-ing milk while in orbit. The cows will eventually run out, but you can’t be bothered to implement sustained breeding to get more cows.

MALAYSIA: You are given 100 cows by the government in order to produce milk for orphans. You keep 10 cows and pass the other 90 to a lower-ranking person and he will handle the job. He does the same, passing 80 cows on to the next person. On and on it goes, until one cow remains and is used to feed the orphans. (Sometimes, less than one cow.) 

MALAYSIA: You have two cows. Angry at the illegal racing going on at night, belligerent neighbourhood folk buy the cows from you and make them stand on the road for Mat Rempits to crash into.

IPOH: You have two cows. Their milk tastes the best because of the local water they drink. This gets you enough profits during major holidays when people come to enjoy the renowned Ipoh milk, so you can survive during the rest of the year in your economically-sleepy town.

JOHOR BAHRU: You have two cows. The milk can be sold for a higher price because of Singaporean money flowing in. But when transporting the milk, the bumpy roads and potholes churn it into butter.  One of the cows is soon stolen from you at knifepoint, the other is raped and murdered. The police fine you for expired grazing tickets on the cows.

DAP: Abolish the farming quota! Cows belong to all citizens who are equal in a Malaysian Malaysia.

PAS: Cows and bulls must remain seperated at all times. If bulls happen to mate with the cows, it is the cows’ fault for having too-sexy markings. We shall enact laws requiring all cows to be draped with canvas tents pegged firmly into the ground for their own good. Meanwhile, the bulls work themselves up for the mating spree by surfing for porn online.

RELIGIOUS ENFORCERS: We will conduct surprise raids on all fields and luxury barns in order to ensure that no immoral acts take place. Naturally, this includes the sordid and indecent act of milking a cow.

INDONESIA: You have two cows. Due to hyperinflation, they are worth 0.00022256844 American cows on the international market. But it doesn’t matter anyway, since the families of powerful politicians own controlling shares of all the cows.

SINGAPORE: You have no cows. You get milk from one cow living in Malaysia and recycle your spoilt milk into NewMilk, which is as good as regular fresh milk. Some of the Malaysian cow’s milk you process into chocolate and strawberry flavoured milk to sell back to Malaysia.

SINGAPORE: You have no cows, farm or grass. Somehow you convince foreign farm conglomerates to build farms on your land and invest cows, paying you rent and hiring you to work on their farm. Soon you grow wealthy and you become renowned for your high-value-added cow products and efficiently organized farms. You decide to move on to collecting cow flatulence to sell to up-and-coming alternative energy providers.

SINGAPORE: You have two cows. The government allows you to move into HDB flats and you bring the cows along so you can still have free milk.

THAILAND: You have two cows and enjoy drinking the milk they produce all by yourself. But one day, the loyal farmhand whom you entrusted with the pitchfork ousts you in a lightning coup. Just like the way you ousted the farmer back in your day, and how he ousted the farmer back in his day.

BLOGGING: You don’t own any cows. But you like to blog about how the present inept administration is squandering the cows, and how you would run things much better if you did have the cows.