You Have Two Cows: Southeast Asian Edition

You should read my previous post on Two Cows before reading this.

These are my own original, local takes on the Two Cows:

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MALAYSIA: High tariffs on foreign-imported cows mean you can only buy locally-bred national cows. Which are raised using your taxpayers’ money.

MALAYSIA: You have a vast farm with plenty of cows. But no one gets the milk, because you sell it all and use the profits to build mega-farm structures like the world’s tallest barnyard and fund fame-bringing endeavors like tarik-ing milk while in orbit. The cows will eventually run out, but you can’t be bothered to implement sustained breeding to get more cows.

MALAYSIA: You are given 100 cows by the government in order to produce milk for orphans. You keep 10 cows and pass the other 90 to a lower-ranking person and he will handle the job. He does the same, passing 80 cows on to the next person. On and on it goes, until one cow remains and is used to feed the orphans. (Sometimes, less than one cow.) 

MALAYSIA: You have two cows. Angry at the illegal racing going on at night, belligerent neighbourhood folk buy the cows from you and make them stand on the road for Mat Rempits to crash into.

IPOH: You have two cows. Their milk tastes the best because of the local water they drink. This gets you enough profits during major holidays when people come to enjoy the renowned Ipoh milk, so you can survive during the rest of the year in your economically-sleepy town.

JOHOR BAHRU: You have two cows. The milk can be sold for a higher price because of Singaporean money flowing in. But when transporting the milk, the bumpy roads and potholes churn it into butter.  One of the cows is soon stolen from you at knifepoint, the other is raped and murdered. The police fine you for expired grazing tickets on the cows.

DAP: Abolish the farming quota! Cows belong to all citizens who are equal in a Malaysian Malaysia.

PAS: Cows and bulls must remain seperated at all times. If bulls happen to mate with the cows, it is the cows’ fault for having too-sexy markings. We shall enact laws requiring all cows to be draped with canvas tents pegged firmly into the ground for their own good. Meanwhile, the bulls work themselves up for the mating spree by surfing for porn online.

RELIGIOUS ENFORCERS: We will conduct surprise raids on all fields and luxury barns in order to ensure that no immoral acts take place. Naturally, this includes the sordid and indecent act of milking a cow.

INDONESIA: You have two cows. Due to hyperinflation, they are worth 0.00022256844 American cows on the international market. But it doesn’t matter anyway, since the families of powerful politicians own controlling shares of all the cows.

SINGAPORE: You have no cows. You get milk from one cow living in Malaysia and recycle your spoilt milk into NewMilk, which is as good as regular fresh milk. Some of the Malaysian cow’s milk you process into chocolate and strawberry flavoured milk to sell back to Malaysia.

SINGAPORE: You have no cows, farm or grass. Somehow you convince foreign farm conglomerates to build farms on your land and invest cows, paying you rent and hiring you to work on their farm. Soon you grow wealthy and you become renowned for your high-value-added cow products and efficiently organized farms. You decide to move on to collecting cow flatulence to sell to up-and-coming alternative energy providers.

SINGAPORE: You have two cows. The government allows you to move into HDB flats and you bring the cows along so you can still have free milk.

THAILAND: You have two cows and enjoy drinking the milk they produce all by yourself. But one day, the loyal farmhand whom you entrusted with the pitchfork ousts you in a lightning coup. Just like the way you ousted the farmer back in your day, and how he ousted the farmer back in his day.

BLOGGING: You don’t own any cows. But you like to blog about how the present inept administration is squandering the cows, and how you would run things much better if you did have the cows.

You Have Two Cows

The old example goes: You live in a country where money is not used. You have two cows. You want to eat chicken. So you take one cow along with you and look for someone who has chickens and wants to trade them for a cow.

This example is used to demonstrate the limitations of the barter system. But of course, jokers everywhere have found ways to tweak the example to fit other economic systems and philosophies.

Here are my pick of the better ones from this site and this other site. (You may find the concept similar to my previous post,  *hit Happens: Religion & Philosophy)

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American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

ARTIST — VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

COMMUNISM — CHINESE – MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them “voluntarily” to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don’t need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to “the cause.” The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because “they are Hindu religious symbols.”

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

UPDATE: More at Caveman Circus, via AoSHQ.

ReasonOnline Interview: South Park Libertarians

                 

I came across an interview with the Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of South Park, in Reason magazine online. Their remarks are pretty funny! Some excerpts:

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Trey Parker: I was on my honeymoon in Disney World. I turned on the television, and there were thousands of rioting Muslims, and the caption said, “Muslims enraged over cartoon.” And I said, “Oh, shit. What did we do?”

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Stone: We’re always in favor of people downloading. Always.
Reason: Why?

Stone: It’s how a lot of people see the show. And it’s never hurt us. We’ve done nothing but been successful with the show. How could you ever get mad about somebody who wants to see your stuff?

Parker: We worked really hard making that show, and the reason you do it is because you want people to see it.

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Parker: When we did the Muhammad episode, we got flowers from the Simpsons people because we ripped on Family Guy. Then we got calls from the King of the Hill people saying, “You’re doing God’s work ripping on Family Guy.” Even though it was this big political thing about Muhammad and whatever, everyone was just, “Thank you for you ripping on Family Guy.”

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Stone: I didn’t even know I was Jewish until I was 16.

Parker: I had to teach him the dreidel song.

Stone: I’m not a very good Jew.

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Parker: It was way ahead of its time, I’ll tell you that. Years ago we had Mel Gibson drunk, getting arrested by a cop, and smearing shit on stuff. That totally came true.

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They also love to hate Scientology, due to their run-in with it as can be read here.

Gunslinger Scott and the 50 Desperados

As y’all may have heard, it’s been raining every day in Johor. Water levels rise. Villages and towns get flooded. Property gets damaged and folk get displaced, them poor pilgrims.

But being based in Johor Bahru, and living on a slight hill (a rarity in JB), yours truly has been relatively untouched by the inundation. Apart from the cold, cold nights without a campfire, that is.

Yep. Relatively unaffected… Until now. The unceasing rain and lack of sunshine has left many, many puddles and stagnant ponds behind. And as the water stops falling from the sky, something else takes to the air.

Hordes of mosquitos emerge, hatching from their watery nesting grounds and hungry for blood. Fresh blood. Warm blood. Human blood.

But not my blood. Not today, ya gutless outlaws. Not ever if I can help it. Me and my trusty Fumakilla model H2O, we don’t like shifty outsiders. Now draw, stranger!

I had gone to the kitchen to reheat some frozen-solid curry. Suddenly, a posse of flying blood-robbers tries to jump me! Ducking the ill-planned ambush, I rush to retrieve my gas-propellant lawmaker.

The Desperados are still hovering around when I swagger onto the shooting range. Shooter at my hip, I waited for them to make the first move, to come into range.

There’s one! I flick my wrist up and POW! The first assailant takes a .45 (seconds) of insecticide right through her cold, unrepentant heart. Thanks for the memories, sugar.

Her gal pals pick up where she left off. Their bravado counts for naught against my steely gaze and quick trigger finger. Left! Right! Centre! They bite the liquid dust and go down screaming.

A cockroach comes skittling by. Whether it was in league with those buzzing Desperados, I don’t know. And I don’t care. My prejudice against insects runs deep. I smoke the cucaracha out and poison the well of its soul.

As I bravely stand my ground against the Desperados, more of them come charging into the fray. Attracted by the carbon dioxide of my breath, or my body heat, or the death cries of their comrades – maybe all of those, I don’t judge – The Desperados come to meet their un-maker.

High in the air. Low near the ground. Two or three flying in a pattern meant to confuse. Hiding in the curtains before launching a sneak attack. Flying right at my face, to try and get inside my visual focus range and make me shoot myself.

They all fail. I walk away without a single scratch… Well, wihout a single bite, I mean. I leave behind at least 50 mosquito bodies, dead or twitching in their last seconds. For good measure, I clean up the bandits hiding in the bathroom too. And then my room before bedtime.

You highrise-dwellers have forgotten what it’s like for us lawmen, down here on the open ground without them fancy mosquito nettings on every window. The insects come frequent and thick when your house is surrounded by a garden and drains, with plenty of open windows and holes. Lousy immigrants drop in from the streams and jungles too. Yessir, I fend them off almost every night.

But I don’t complain. I just grit my teeth, grab my trusty shooter and thank God for His gracious gift of chemical weapons. A man’s gotta do, what a man’s gotta do. So I’ll be seeing you gals tonight. Same place, same time, same brand of pesticide.

  

Adios, amigos.

Residents Fed Up With Mat Rempit Ruckus Go After Them

Woo-hoo! Mob justice and angry villagers! Bring out the torches and pitchforks! They must have read my blog recently.

From The Star 2 Jan 2007 (it’s a whole new year!).

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BALING: Residents of Taman Mesra Kupang here and nearby villages fed up over the nightly ruckus created by a gang of about 50 Mat Rempit attacked them at the housing estate on New Year’s Eve.  

The illegal racers were showing off by doing “wheelies” and revving up their motorcycles at their favourite haunt at about midnight when irate residents armed with bamboo poles and catapults went after them. 

They ran helter-skelter and took cover in a Chinese cemetery.  

Abd Malik Ahmad, 48, said he and his neighbours had had enough of the Mat Rempit turning the housing estate into a racing track “night after night”. 

Utusan Malaysia stringer Azman Mat Noor, also a Taman Mesra Kupang resident, said he had tried to reason with the Mat Rempit, as his children could not sleep at night with all the noise they created, but to no avail. 

”They were very rude when I told them not to be so noisy,” he said. 

“They were also not concerned about the safety of other road users.” 

Deputy OCPD Deputy Supt Khamis Hamzah said police detained three of the illegal racers involved, aged between 16 and 20.  

He said the police were aware of the various spots favoured by the Mat Rempit.  

Kampung Banggol Chicar Umno chief Rosdi Abdul Rahman, when contacted, said the Mat Rempit were “getting out of hand” and were not even afraid of the police.  

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Hmm, but just to add my observation… Is this show going to get banned because of our current local ‘love’ affair with unlawful motorcylists?

    

Superhero movies imported to Malaysia have gotten the short end of the Censor-stick before. Daredevil was completely banned for having the main character named and dressed as a ‘devil’.

Hellboy had a much easier time despite featuring a ‘real’ demon instead of a human in red tights. It was retitled as Super Sapiens, but had no other changes. He’s still referred to as Hellboy in the film, thankfully. The Censors must’ve opened up a little since DD.

And coming in February, Ghost Rider‘s motorcyling around town and anti-authority antics might influence our Mat Rempits to set their bikes on fire and ride vertically up skyscrapers. City Hall certainly doesn’t want that kind of propoganda, nosiree.

Though personally, it’d be fun to watch as their choppers catch fire and explode, setting them on fire. And when they try riding vertically downwards off the top of a building after they fail to ride upwards… 🙂