The Most Embarassing Ways to Die in Alien Swarm

Alien Swarm is a free co-operative shooter on Steam.

YES, 100% FREE, GET IT HERE NOW!

So… How about some tips for the game?

Here’s a tip: Try to avoid the facepalm-inducing deaths described below. In no particular order until the end:

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1) Having the door fall on you from aliens pounding the other side, while moving to knock the door down onto them.

2) Having the door fall and instantly smash your Sentry Gun to pieces, followed by an alien beatdown.

3) Running into an insta-kill environmental hazard, e.g. the gas filled pit in Cargo Elevator. Bonus points if you roll-dodged into it. Special mention if you somehow managed to miss the Bloodhound in Deima Surface Bridge and fall to your moron’s doom.

4) Happily hacking away as a Tech when you suddenly die, because you neglected to set up a Sentry Gun and instead counted on your oh so reliable teammates to watch your back.

5) Burning to death because you caught fire and don’t have a Flamer to extinguish yourself with. Bonus points if it was from a teammate’s Flamer and nobody cares that you’re sizzling and screaming. Double up points if you DO have a Flamer but for some reason (e.g. being a moron) didn’t extinguish yourself.

6) Going all RAMBO SPEED RUN LEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS and dying from insta-pwn alien gangbangness.

7) Dying from insta-pwn alien gangbangness when everyone else goes all RAMBO SPEED RUN LEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS, leaving you all by your noob self. (Much more common than the previous reason.)

8.) Dying along with everyone else within 10 seconds of the first alien encounter because everyone went RAMBO SPEED RUN LEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS without noticing that the map was set to Hard or Insane, not Normal. Special props if you were the map leader/creator.

9) Dying for the umpteenth time in a row because you insist on going RAMBO SPEED RUN LEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS on Hard or Insane, because ‘the aliens keep spawning if you stay’ – which is correct, but fails to account for the fact that no one else can keep up with you. Serve you right if everyone else proceeds to complete the stage without you. Dammit you magnificent b*stard if you actually survive and make it to the end of the stage while your slow teammates die!

10) Getting lost on Timor Station after activating the nuke countdown because your teammates charged ahead without you. Bonus points you’re the Tech and they had all started running back to the Bloodhound way beforehand while you were too busy hacking to notice.

11) Having your teammates kill you on purpose to restart the stage because you’re the only tech but have no clue how to play the hacking minigames. Especially on Timor Station’s nuke activation which is aaaaall the way at the end of the map. Stoopid noob!

12) Dying from a Parasite because you didn’t bother running to the Medic after getting infested. Bonus points if the Medic ran all the way to you, only to have you explode on him in a shower of more Parasites just as he arrives.

13) Dying from your teammates after getting infested, because they oh-so-helpfully try and ‘cure’ you with bullets and fire. “Hold still it works, I’ve seen it!” (Tip: It doesn’t, only healing or using your own Electric Charged Armor will stop a Parasite killing you. Tesla Cannon is said to slow infestation to half speed.) (Tip 2: Nothing exists that will stop your genius teammates from killing you.)

14) Dying from the Parasites that pop out of your infested teammate because you were standing around ‘curing’ him with bullets. Next time, ‘cure’ him with fire.

15) Dying in any way whatsoever while packing items like: two Sentry Guns with no standard weapon; two Healing items; or in general the Nightvision Goggles or Flashlight attachment. In these cases, you pretty much deserve what you had coming. Bonus points if you had already clicked ‘Ready’ and then started mucking around with your loadout and the map started while you were halfway through.

16) Showing off your black belt mad kungfu skills with the Chainsaw or Power Fists, which ends up with you being showed by the fifth-dan black belt kungfu aliens.

17) Getting quickly pounded into mush by an angry horde of aliens because your teammate sealed the door with a Welder before you got through. Bonus points if you were the one who accidentally sealed the door yourself while on the wrong side. Our condolences if your teammates intentionally sealed you behind and laughed at your dying antics before proceeding.

18,) Activating Adrenaline, then immediately dying – leaving your teammates with a slow-moed slow-mo zoom-in of your noobtastic death. Hurry up and die your stupid death already!!!

19) Dying from friendly fire – not because they accidentally shot you while aiming at aliens, that is SO run of the mill it doesn’t even deserve a mention here. No, this is when you die because a teammate thought you were an alien and let loose on you with the Minigun for five seconds straight. Who asked you not to be the white-suited Medic? It’s your own fault. In fact, it’s your own fault for playing Alien Swarm with these guys. Oh, and bonus points if a real alien then jumps him while you’re in your death throes. Serves him right!

And the #1 most embarassing lol wtf noob death is…

0) Pwning yourself with a grenade lobbed point blank into an alien. Bonus points if it was with the Grenade Launcher on the first alien to come along; blasting yourself from full health to zero in one shot; and/or managing to take out a teammate with you. Win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (on the aliens’ side) if you mistook a teammate for an alien and lobbed a point-blank grenade at him in your panic.

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Better tips at Gamefaqs guide here. Cheat here.

Helpful and informative Alien Swarm wikia here.

Other game tips here: Gratuitous Space Battles, Plants vs Zombies.

If Homosexual Marriage is a Constitutional Right…

Shouldn’t polygamy be as well?

…Judge Vaughn Walker, in the Proposition 8 decision, is arguing that the more than seven million people who voted to define marriage as between a man and a woman have no standing in their appeal of the case because they could not prove how homosexual marriage harms them. The same argument could be made over bigamy and polygamy since no one is forced into multiple marriages and thereby can’t suffer harm by the polygamous practices of others.

UPDATE: And hey, let’s start with threesomes! (via <a href="http://ace.mu.nu/archives/333445.php#333445"<AoSHQ

Global Warming Causes Poor Government Management of Dengue

First blaming global warming for local mud at Gurney Drive, flooding, flowers losing smell, now this:

Global warming may be cause of sharp rise in dengue cases: Liow
By ONG HAN SEAN

BENTONG: Global warming and changing weather patterns appear to have led to an “alarming” rise in dengue cases and deaths in the region.

“Singapore, Vietnam and Thailand are seeing an increase in dengue cases, as well. This could be due to the rainy season and global warming.

“The changing weather appears to cause the mosquitoes to breed faster,” he said.

As a result, public cooperation was vital in the fight against the disease, he said.

“The ministry cannot fight this war alone. We need the concerted effort of everyone to reduce the number of dengue deaths,” he said.

The death toll from dengue cases this year, as of Sunday, had already hit 100 compared to 67 last year, said Liow.

“During the same period last year, there were 29,183 reported cases. This year, we’re already up to 31,375 cases. The situation now is really alarming,” he told reporters after launching the second Bentong Health Carnival Sunday.

He urged the public to give its full cooperation to the ministry’s gotong-royong programmes to combat dengue.

Have a local problem that you’re handling poorly? Blame global warming!

Suddenly you’re not at fault anymore, it’s the Gaia-hating emissions of the USA at fault!

It’s sheer genius!!!

Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen Doesn’t Want You Perusing those Nasty Alternative Information Sources

From The Star 21 Aug 2010:

Don’t be taken in by what you read in cyberspace, Yen Yen tells oversea students
By STEPHEN THEN

AUCKLAND: Malaysian studying overseas have been told to beware of political brainwashing from home-grown “political extremists” via the new media.

Tourism Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen said these “extremists” were using blogs and websites to influence students overseas to have negative views about the Government.

“Do not be easily taken in by what you read in cyberspace of what is happening back home.

“Bloggers and writers on certain websites tell you 50% truth that is mixed with lies.

“They are trying to confuse the minds of young students, including those studying overseas,” she told Malaysian students at a buka puasa and dialogue session here on Thursday night.

Dr Ng, who is touring Australia and New Zealand to tap the tourism market of the two countries, advised Malaysian students overseas to always double-check with government leaders on the extreme views expressed on the Internet.

She added that it was important too for Government leaders going on official trips overseas to meet Malaysian students abroad and provide them with the true picture of programmes like the Government transformation plan, anti-corruption drive and improving the living standards of the poor.

Yes, don’t read those nasty blogs and online new portals. Wouldn’t want you to know about such horrid, horrid things like this:

Big Brother is good. Big Sister loves you. Everything is perfect, perfect as can be.

Now close your eyes and go back to sleep, little children.

(To be fair, The Sun reports it too.)

K is for Keith: The Movie/Trailer

Lol!

Best imagined with the italicized standalone lines announced by that deep-voiced guy who does all movie trailer ever, with booming slightly-too-loud Dolby surround sound effects and dark surroundings and the cinema is too cold.

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Comedy At Midnight

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You know in a preview? Like for a movie? Like they spend the first minute of it explaining the situation to you in clear words and slow-moving pictures? So you get the basics?

And then, halfway through, they start showing fast-cuts of images scattered throughout the movie in an effort to convey action and excitement and quickening pace and heightening tension?

This is what Keith is doing. His words mean nothing here. He just starts jotting down synonyms for hate and fear and sh*t. And he doesn’t even take care about sentence structure or clarity during this part, because none of these words is supposed to stand on its own, just like the quick-shots at the middle/end of a thriller trailer aren’t supposed to stand on their own. They’re supposed to blur by with Furious Speed and Great Importance so that you get the sense that Something Interesting Is Happening.

And that’s all this sh*t is. It’s Keith tossing out the verbal equivalents of a butcher knife coming through a door, a car speeding on a rainy country road, a mother crying and dropping to her knees at awful news, and a scientist shocked at what he finds in a specimen jar.

So, like the beginning of his very special comment is all, like:

Imagine a world…

in which everything you thought was real, was fake….

everything you thought was right, was wrong…

and everyone you trusted — wanted your brain…

Right? And then this part is when the staccato percussion starts and you start seeing quick-shots of people jolting and doors opening and tires squealing and people screaming at a black female judge who bangs her gavel and gives that “oh no you di’n’t” face.

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At this point in the trailer, you’d now be out of the scary music part and now they’d show a man and woman embracing as violins sweetly rise (because they don’t want to end on a downer) and the voice says…

New Line pictures invites you…

to enter a world of…

unexpected possiblities…

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At this point, like, Diane Lane is, like, chopping onions at a chef’s school? And she starts to cry, but Gerald Butler sees her and makes a silly face, so she laughs? It’s all cute, you know. They look good together. You want them together, and stuff?

Okay, so now the title of the movie comes up, right? And it’s a movie about a 50 year old, glasses-wearing, fat-a$$ed-but-hides-it-on-tv broken down old man who probably has to take Viagra just to make it to second base?

And the man is, like, totally retarded? But he has a gift, or something, that only his sister Diane Lane can recognize? And she’s dating a scientist played by Gerard Butler who wants to cut out his brain for being, like, too retarded?

And because it’s a retard movie, the title of the movie is shown in crayon font, right, with some letters backwards? Because that’s how retards write?

And the title of the movie is

K is for Keith

With the K’s backwards? Like retarded?

So that’s what I think about Keith Olbermann’s very special comments — they’re like incredibly long, incredibly boring trailers for a low-budget movie about a demented retard in his mid-fifties who sets up a pretend tv studio in his mother’s basement and does a “TV show” every night interviewing puppets and his pet mice Hugo and Hubert, while Gerald Butler wants to cut out and examine his brain because it’s the Most Perfectly Retarded Brain Specimen in world history and his theory (for which he won the Nobel Prize) is that only a perfect retard-brain is the key to world peace and Diane Lane is his devoted sister trying to get a court order from Queen Latifah to stop him from seizing the brain but somehow they fall in love in a quickie montage set to September by Earth Wind & Fire and so Gerald Butler stops trying to steal Keef’s moron-brain and they become friends and at the end of the movie Gerald Butler teaches Keef how to shoot basketballs and it’s touching and funny but mostly funny because he’s a f*cking retard and keeps hitting himself in the face with the f*cking ball like a f*cking imbecile.

And then like, last shot, he’s dancing in the middle of the street in the rain, turning in slow motion, holding a sparkler laughing with retard joy as September hits the chorus and we say the title again:

K… is for Keith

and then of course, the internet site for promotional material:

kisforkeithmovie.com

Oh, There’s More: rdbrewer asked, “Does he have retard vision? Some special insight that makes the lives of normal people better?”

I haven’t worked it all out, but I think like, Gerald Butler is wrong, he doesn’t need the retard-brain for world peace, he just needs the retard to give a speech at the UN where he’s all like “I like peanut butter… we all like peanut butter… no more war” and then like, everyone’s like, “F*ck, that fat f*ckin’ retard makes a lot of f*ckin’ sense.”

I think I forgot that part, the part at the UN. So imagine, near the end, he’s at the UN, eating peanut butter with his hand out of a jar, exhaling through his nostrils, and there’s like a cameo appearance by Dan Rather to say “Breaking newsss… a retard speaksss at the United Nationsss…” and we’re all like so impressed to see a wannabe-celebrity news-pr*ck do a cameo in a movie we’re all like “ooooooh, Dan Rather, I guess this sh*t has the texture of reality to it,” despite the fact that Dan Rather’s in “news broadcasting business” as much as I f*ckin’ am.

Posted by Ace

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Context and set-up at the link.

I and others agree, Ace is a gifted writer/mocker.

No, Sir, Non-existant Global Warming Does Not Cause More Tornados

From The Star 18 Aug 2010:

Teach public how to deal with tornadoes

Vong Chin Siang’s recent picture of a tiny tornado in The Star’s “Thumbnails” is one more proof that mini-tornadoes exist in the country.

Mini-tornadoes were behind some of the reported freak storms that blew off roofs and toppled trees around the northern part of the country recently.

This phenomenon has been reported in several neighbouring countries but its existence has not been acknowledged by the local authorities.

They are created by rotating wind systems in the thunderclouds and become mini-tornadoes when the bottom end of the spinning wind column touches the ground.

Fortunately, their lifetime is short, lasting from several seconds to several minutes. However, they can cause destruction to the buildings and trees that come in contact with them.

Vong’s picture of the tiny tornado clearly showed the flying debris that can be very dangerous to people caught outdoors.

The final approach of a mini-tornado is usually accompanied by a loud roaring sound like that of a big truck or train.

Therefore, anyone who witnesses sudden strong winds and then hears a loud roaring sound should immediate seek shelter under a table or bed to avoid being struck by debris from damaged roofs or broken trees.

Several mini-tornado events occur around the country every year and with global warming, this phenomenon is expected to increase in the future. It is more common but less dramatic than the tsunami.

Perhaps the authorities should acknowledge its existence and come up with a simple safety procedure that can be posted on notice boards in schools and public buildings around the country.

ZAHAR,

Kuala Lumpur.

Well then, since rising global temperatures will cause more tornados, we can look forward to fewer tornados. Because there has been no statistically significant warming in the past 15 years, despite continually rising carbon dioxide levels.

Besides, doesn’t he know that apparently Global Warming Reduces Tornadoes and Hurricanes?

See Global Warming is Unfactual for much, much more.

Superman to His Son: I Love You, But You’re Not Real

The most touching, tear-jerker moment in the whole Justice League series. From the Justice League Unlimited episode, For the Man Who Has Everything (summary of episode at link):

Smoother and more complete context version starting from 3 minutes 30 seconds:

“Van… When you were born, it was the happiest day iof my life. When I first saw your beautiful face… Your tiny fingers squeezed my hand so tight. Like you never wanted to let go. I’ve watched every step, every struggle… But Van, I… But I don’t think you’re real. I don’t think any of this is real.”

“Don’t say that daddy. Please. You’re scaring me.”

“No, no… I don’t wanna scare you Van. You are everything I ever wanted in a son. This… This is everything I ever wanted in a life. But I’ve got responsibilities Van. I… Have to go now.”

“Daddy…”

“I promise you. I’ll never forget.”

Imagine it for yourself…. Think about the ones you love dearest, and imagine if you were to suddenly wake up and realize Your wife/husband/son/daughter is all just a dream. Would you want to be awake, or would rather live on in the dream world (that seems so real to you)? Would you be willing to take the red pill? Would you choose the unhappy truth over the blissful lie?

It makes me sad just to think about it.

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Why Build the Mosque at Ground Zero?

Why build the mosque cultural centre at Ground Zero when it will attract massive waves of hate and hate-motivated attacks?

DUH, because it will attract massive waves of hate and hate-motivated attacks. What better way to ‘prove’ that Islamophobia is real and deeply ingrained in America and pave the way for more concessions in the name of ‘tolerance’?

It’s called self-fulfilling prophecy.

UPDATE: On tip from wits0, EXPLOSIVE expose of the Ground Zero Mosque imam’s words!

Cartoon by Michael Ramirez.

They Came From Behind! *GKK*

Click the comic snippet above to view the full comic.

Old but I’m posting it now because I just played the Batman: Arkham Asylum demo (which is really short but gives a taste of the fun).

See also similar themed Penny Arcade comic.

Boiling Great Lakesgate – Killer Global Warming Causes Temperatures of 315 Degrees Celcius

Stupid and selfish climate change deniers living in the area failed to notice the spontaneously combusting paper, melting lead and tin, and exploding cars and gas stations.

Via AoSHQ, from Climate Change Fraud:

US Government in Massive New Global Warming Scandal – NOAA Disgraced

Global warming data apparently cooked by U.S. government-funded body shows astounding temperature fraud with increases averaging 10 to 15 degrees Fahrenheit.

The tax-payer funded National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has become mired in fresh global warming data scandal involving numbers for the Great Lakes region that substantially ramp up averages.

A beleaguered federal agency appears to be implicated in the most blatant and extreme case of climate data fraud yet seen. Official records have been confirmed as evidence that a handful of temperature records for the Great Lakes region have been hiked up by literally hundreds of degrees to substantially inflate the average temperature range for the northeastern United States.

…

Together the two institutions show temperature maps for northern Lake Michigan registering an absurd 430 degrees Fahrenheit -yes, you read it right –that’s four hundred and thirty degrees-and this is by no means the highest temperature recorded on the charts.

In the heated debate about Earth’s ever-changing climate you certainly don’t need to be scientist to figure out that the Great Lakes would have boiled away at a mere 212 degrees so something has seriously gone awry inside this well-funded program.

…

But our intrepid anonymous whistleblower wasn’t done yet. He pointed out that Egg Harbor, Wisconsin, really got cooking this July 4th around 9:59AM, according to NOAA and Coast Watch. It was there, at the bottom left row of the temperature data points, that the records reveal on that day a phenomenally furnace-like 600 degrees Fahrenheit.

Further analysis of the web pages shows that the incredibly wide temperature swings were occurring in remarkably short 10-hour periods-and sometimes in less than 5 hours. Strangely, none of the 250 citizens of the 78 families living in the village appeared to notice this apocalyptic heatwave during their holiday festivities.

…

The current head of NOAA is Dr. Jane Lubchenco, nominated by President Barack Obama and confirmed by the United States Senate on March 19, 2009 and is the first woman to serve as NOAA administrator. On her appointment Lubchenco declared that science would guide the agency and that she expects it to play a role in developing a green economy. You can say that again!

Check out other recent climate related -Gates:

1) Climategate
2) Climategate Darwin
3) Climategate New Zealand
4) Climategate Russia
5) Climategate USA
6) Pachaurigate
7) Glaciergate (which Pachauri made a lot of money off)
8.) Mountain Icegate
9) Amazongate

The debate is over – Global Warming is a proven science!!!!

For a quick primer, head over to Global Warming is Unfactual.

UPDATE: Boiling temperatures, literally?