Archive for February, 2017

President Donald Trump Facts

February 24, 17

In the same vein as Chuck Norris Facts, 1 Malaysia Facts, Rick Perry Facts, Barack Obama facts and the hilariousest Dick Cheney Facts

From AoSHQ here are my picks of the best Donald Trump Facts:

His apartment in Manhattan is decorated in solid platinum but he had it coated in gold to appear humble.

On November 9th he sent a cheap plastic button to Russia that said, ‘Thanks Bitch.’ In English.

He doesn’t give a rat’s *ss which bathroom Lindsey Graham uses.

He whispered to Meghan McCain that he was going to grab her by the pussy, then shook her father’s hand.

He organized a photo shoot with a bald eagle just so it could know what it was like to be so close to a symbol of pure freedom.

When emotional, Donald Trump has been known to shed tears in the shape of tiny diamond encrusted bald eagles.

Trump did hire Russian prostitutes. Strictly to practice dealing with Democrats.

Trump was going to combine the USFL with the Miss Universe Pageant and call it America, F*ck Yeah.

Trumps pussy grabbing once got so outta hand a tiger in Tasmania went extinct.
Also the reason you no longer see a real lion on the MGM logo.

Old NYC joke about Trump:
Donald is in the lobby of Trump Tower, getting into the elevator, when a hot Hungarian blond jumps in with him.
Door closes and they’re alone. The blond says: I’m going to give you the greatest blow job ever.
Trump thinks for a beat and replies: OK, what’s in it for me?

Trump put in an offer to change the Hollywood sign to TRUMP. Would only charge the city half of his going price.

Superman wears Donald Trump underwear.

General Mattis’s rug peed itself when PTD visited.

Trump always bowls a perfect 300 score. One look from him and the pins all fall down.

Donald Trump once told an Aristocrats joke that made Bob Saget cry.

George Patton (believer in reincarnation) dies in 1945. Donald Trump is born in 1946.
Coincidence? I think not!

Donald Trump plays Monopoly with real properties.

The consistency of Trump’s hair is a state secret.

Three-letter-network journalists have all requested asbestos long underwear.

President Trump’s animatronic figure at Disney World’s Hall of Presidents will fire laser beams from its eyes at any audience member that boos when Trump’s name is announced.

Every President’s Day, it will rip the sax out of animatronic Clinton’s hands & shove it up obama’s animatronic coal chute.

In the presence of Trump, all snowflakes become the same.

Trump built the Wall in Westeros and got the Wildings to pay for it.

Trump is actually two of the Four Horsemen.

Trump called Angela Merkel low energy, and Germany suffered a brownout.

Trump parted his hands and the Red Sea said “How high, Sir?”

Ballistic missiles will return to their silos at Trump’s command.

Trump has no desire to be carved onto Mt Rushmore but would agree to rebrand it as Mt Trump.

Donald Trump once mentiioned to his golfing buddies that he could make his d*ck 12 inches long.
When his buddies asked him how he could reach the 12 inch length, DJT answered, immodestly, ‘I just fold it in half’…..

Danger took Donald Trump’s middle name.

Donald Trump will bring the NFL to heel by insisting that all 32 teams immediately adopt the name “Redskins”.

John Galt wonders “who is Donald Trump?”.

Trump was born to a drunk absentee father and a mother so virulently communist that she left his Indonesian stepfather when he was promoted to a stable and profitable job. Then his mother died, and he lived with his grandparents and was tutored by a communist buddy while doing f*ck-all in school, skated through college, and got shuffled up from do-nothing cake job in Chicago to the US Senate and then the presidency.
Wait, I may be thinking of someone else.

Trump can eat only one Lay’s potato chip.

When Donald Trump declares “the guys get shirts”, a million sheep disappear.

Trumps drill works even better in reverse.

To summon extra strength while arm-wrestling, Donald Trump has been know to turn his toupee backwards.

Donald Trump has a one man Supertramp tribute band called Supertrump. After a stirring rendition of “The Logical Song” over the phone, Gorbachev started glasnost.

The White House Press Corps wear Depends to his pressers to hide the embarrassment of their bodily response when he speaks to them.

Trump believes it’s not butter.

The colossus of Rhodes. Yep, it’s Trump.

Trump squeezed the Charmin (twice)

Donald Trump has had sharks with laser beams mounted in their heads since he was twelve years old.

In the remake of Revenant, Trumps screws the bear

Trump gets royalty payments every time the phrases alt-right and alt-left are used in social media.

Trump made the unions build him a wall around Mara Lago, and they paid him for the experience.

After watching Trump’s press conference, Wade Wilson took the MSM in his Deadpool

Donald Trump visited the Virgin Islands a couple of years ago.
Now they’re just known as “The Islands”.
Richard Branson won’t let him fly on Virgin Airlines.

Trump was the inspiration for the Death Star, even though his exhaust port is bigger than two meters.

And the one that blows Democrats away:
President Trump can speak without using the word “Umm”.

Trump pulled on Superman’s cape, and Trump messed around with Jim.

When Trump crosses path with a bear, the bear plays dead.

Donald Trump thinks Red Dawn is the best documentary ever.

MSM hasn’t figured it out yet, but Trump has grabbed them by the pussy, and he’s not letting go.

Trump poked the bear, and the bear said “Sorry.”

When Trump moves the Overton Window, he gets a 40% discount

Donald Trump is about to force the Mexican government to buy the Great Wall of China, then disassemble it using deported illegal aliens from this country, transport it to our border with Mexico and rebuild it there.

Donald Trump sees nothing but dead people in the WH Press Room.

Donald Trump is Darth Vader’s father

Trump watched “Old Yeller” and didn’t cry.

Trump thinks Galactus is a pussy.

At the start of each news conference Trump demands the press chant, “Those of us who are about to die salute you.”

Donald Trump’s first order as Commander in Chief was the torpedoing of Olbermann’s duck.

Well, nanotechnology is getting pretty amazing these days.

I first read that as “Olbermann’s d*ck” and wondered if we have technology that precise

PDT’s name is a killing word.

If Trump had built it, Pink wouldn’t have been able to tear down the Wall

If you review the original documents, FDR said:
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”
“And that f*cking Trump guy”

When Trump drops his jellied toast, it lands jelly side up

After January 20, the White House became
Donald J. Trump
The White House

When Ah-ha sang “take on me” Trump already had

Trump and Cheney had a bet to see who could hurl a large rock further into space.
Some scientists call the result of this bet THE F*CKING MOON.

Trump’s hair is a known cure for lycanthropy.

PDT and Dick Cheney shook hands and the space time continuum was never the same again

Donald Trump is going to bankrupt that putz Zuckerberg by launching InYourFacebook.

PDT had a cameo on Red Dawn. Patrick Swayze didn’t come out of his trailer for three days.

The Black-Eyed Peas will gain relevance again with their new single, “My Trump.”

Trump was going to fight the Law, but the Law forfeited and Trump won by default.

Voldemort is afraid to speak Trump’s name

Trump got the Ad Council to run commercials about shutting down the Ad Council.

When Trump is on board – you don’t need a bigger boat

Explanation for Bermuda Triangle: Trump needs boats

Soylent Green is made of Trump’s enemies, and he approves.

When an establishment hangs a sign that reads “Trump Slept Here,” birth rates increase 20%.

Trump has signed an executive order repealing SMOD.

Trump cheated death.
Death was actually ok with it.

Trump suspended entropy.

It was Trump who decreed that the words DON’T PANIC appear on the cover of “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”

On meeting PDT, John Wick said, “F*ck it, I’m out”

The most interesting Man in the World, says Trump is more interesting…

The inuit have 50 words for snow, and 100 words for Trump.

Donald Trump carves custom shelving from Redwood trees utilizing his little hands and an Russian oyster knife.

In two billion years, our sun will burn out. Then Trump will work in the dark

Donald Trump has had all of Obama’s skittle-shi*tting unicorns hunted down, killed, dressed out, butchered and frozen. They’ll be served at all WH State Dinners.

President Trump’s new limo?
Optimus Prime in disguise.

Millions died fighting in wars over the doctrine of Trumpocentrism – does Trump orbit the sun, or does the sun orbit Trump? To this day science is only on the fringes of this fascinating question.

Exactly who do you think the Blondie song “call me” was about. Friggin desperate plea

Sequoia seeds dream of growing up to be Trump’s schlong

Trump called Kim Jong-Un and *sshole and his brother died.

Once lightning struck Donald Trump, lightning knew it was his bitch.

And he chugs the Water of Life because he likes the taste.

He bought the manufacturing and labeling rights. Now it’s the Water of Trump

Donald Trump painted the Mona Lisa – he describes doing so in Art of the Deal.

On the painting’s mistaken attribution, he writes “Lyin Leo couldn’t even paint by numbers. Had to write his diary using a mirror because he had no friends. Sad!”

When Trump’s yacht requests that a light house yield right-of-way, it does.

Trump defeated an entire division of North Koreans armed with a rock and a scowl. He never used the rock.

Babe the Blue Ox left Paul Bunyan for Trump.

Donald Trump heard about the earthquake that just wiped out 1 million in Mexico City!
He’s sending 5 million replacements.

Trump refused the Godfather’s offer. Then slapped him with his d*ck.

Putin’s mistresses lie back and pretend it’s Trump.

That Global Warming thing we used to have? Yeah, it was disturbing Donald’s orchids.

Trump made the Kessel Run in 6 parsecs!

George Washington stuck his hand from the grave just to give Trump a thumbs-up

Chtulhu fondly refers to his friend Donald J. Trump as “That old bastard that doesn’t like to give reach-arounds”

Trump beat up Clark Kent for his lunch money every damn day.

Donald Trump is goingvto buy up all copies of Stars Wars Episodes I, II and III and make George Lucas eat every one of them.

In his second term, Trump will make the universe stop expanding. Or maybe Michael Moore, nearly the same thing.

Star Wars lore says there is ALWAYS a Sith Master, and an Apprentice…
Trump used a TV show to try to find an Apprentice…
Coincidence? I think not..

Trump did not even bother to dodge sniper fire in Bosnia.

Trump carries a Galaxy Note 7 in his front pocket

PDT visited the Lincoln Memorial. Abe got up and said “Sir, please, have a seat.”

For every five nuts squirrels find, they have to give Donald Trump one, just because he doesn’t want those furry bastards to get complacent.

Trump wins the Amarillo Big Texan Steak Ranch’s 72 oz Challenge everyday for lunch

Trump bowled a 301 game.

Trump has exactly enough cowbell

PDT plays Wack a Mole with Thor’s hammer.

When Donald Trump was a youngster, he once slapped his b*lls against a credenza in his father’s home and 770 sq. miles of forest were laid to waste in Siberia along the Tunguska River.

Operation Overlord was named after Trump

Trump has a time machine.
How else did he know yesterday about the night before riots that didn’t happen until the night after he made the remark.
He meant to say, “The riots that happen tomorrow night.”

Trump always feels lucky, punk

When the SMOD came to kill the dinosuars, it saw Trump and said “I’ll come back another time if that’s ok with Mr. Trump”

Trump’s rules of engagement: Just win, baby!

There’s a lady who’s sure
all that glitters is gold
and she can’t buy a stairway to heaven
because trump already made a deal for it

The First rule of Trump Club… is he CAN talk about it

Viagra, Cialis, and Trojan have all tried to license the Trump name.

Donald Trump is the sole human being allowed back into Eden, and that’s because he’s management.

Trump gave a little Burmese girl a ruby the size of a tangerine.

That time they waterboarded Trump,
he just couldn’t stop giggling. And his hair was Perfect

It’s rumored that the Secret Service name for Trump is ‘Dreadnaught’.

The Reaper fears Trump.

Georgia Lass, on ‘Dead Like Me’, once tried to reap Trump’s soul, and he wouldn’t let her have it; said ‘too much work to do. I am not leaving until America is Great Again.’

When Trump swims in the Amazon River, the Candiru go find some Piranha to annoy.

When Trumps grandson was born the Mohel said “oy, I am going to need a laser for that one”

Donald Trump is the irresistible force and the immovable object.

Trump is also a rare Dungeons and Dragons character, but you need a 69-sided die to move him.

Donald Trump can make F-35 fly!

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